America Loves Labrador Retrievers and Literally No One Is Surprised

Mar 22, 2017 at 12:49 p.m. ET
Image: Getty Images

Surprise, everyone! The American Kennel Club released the stat on America’s most popular dog today, and it’s the Labrador retriever if you can even believe it.

We know, it came as a shock to us too, especially since this is the 26th year in a row that the Lab has received the most love out of any of the innumerable amazing dog breeds that deserve this title just as much.

Look at it this way: The year this reign of terror began, we only had two Legend of Zelda games. Now we have, like, a million. Do we really want to keep voting as we did when we were hardly even aware of one of the greatest video game series of all time? Think about it.

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The AKC cites the Lab’s friendly nature and predisposition for dog sports as the reason why everyone loves it so much — which makes sense given that this is, you know, America, and we value that sort of thing — but why not give the jocks a break and pay attention to some of the fringe breeds?

I had a shih tzu growing up, and I will argue about the breed’s perfection as a pet until I am blue in the face. They’re sweet, affectionate and probably the cutest dogs on the planet. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have Millie around for 14 years, and I know the American populace would come over to the shih tzu side if they could only take their Lab blinders off. Wake up, sheeple!

If you’re not one for smaller dogs, however, I’ve got the solution for you — Newfoundlands. They’re about Lab-size, but they’re not as sporty as those meatheads. Their modus operandi is, as far as I can tell, cuddle first and ask questions later. Also, they’re fluffy. So fluffy. How can anyone not want 10 of them?

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Listen, y’all. Corgis. You already know. I love them. You love them. The queen loves them. My friend has one named Mochi. That’s the kind of cuteness this breed can afford you! Also, they have tiny legs and long bodies. (I don’t have a lot of rational thought behind this one beyond how unreasonably adorable they are, OK?)

So yes, America let us down in 2017. Labs are great, sure, but when there are new breeds being recognized yearly, let’s try to give some others that No. 1 spot. At least for one year. Please.

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