Maybe you didn’t think childbirth was going to be a unicorn fantasy, but you also probably didn’t know that you might poop on the delivery table in front of your husband, doctor, mom and twelve other random people passing by.
Learn the dirty truth about labor and childbirth.
Giving birth is one of the most profound and magnificent experiences in your life. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Amid all the tender, precious moments, it’s dirtier than you ever imagined. So, get a hold of your gag reflexes and put on your biohazard suits. Welcome to the sisterhood. You’re a mother now.
The scoop on poop
You probably knew that childbirth was going to be hard. But nothing is going to prepare you for the fact that you are most likely going to take a very large dump at the very same moment as you are pushing your baby into the world. Don’t worry. It’s completely natural. And there’s really no way to stop it because you are using the same muscles to push your baby out as when you move your bowels. So don’t even bother trying. The nurses are totally used to it and won’t even bat an eyelash. Just go with the flow and enjoy the one time in your adult life where you don’t have to be embarrassed to have a potty accident.
Speaking of potty accidents, it’s not unusual to pee during childbirth either. Don’t waste your energy being ashamed. Just think of it as your own private initiation to motherhood, because before you know it, you are going to spend at least 50 percent of your days covered in some kind of biohazard.
Like horror films? If so, you are in for a treat because the amount of blood that is about to come out of you could supply the entire set of Nightmare on Elm Street. Take a tip from me and grab yourself a bag of adult diapers for the first few days after delivery. No, they aren’t going to make your feel ultra sexy, but they are definitely a plus in comfort factor.
You’re probably used to this by now — thanks in no small part to having just given birth with at least a half a dozen people staring down your ladybits — but even after your baby is born, you might need some help using the facilities. If you’ve had any vaginal tearing or a C-section, the staff will not want you to wipe yourself, so you will need to squirt a peri bottle with warm water to clean up after you use the bathroom.
After your vajayjay has opened wide enough to become a three-car garage, you are going to need some special underwear to celebrate. Why? I couldn’t tell you. But every hospital seems to agree on the fact that women need to wear a very unusual breed of disposable mesh undergarments after giving birth. So get ready for an elastic treat. Some women like them so much (they are pretty comfy) that they even ask for extras to take home.
Cutting the cheese
Truth. While you are in the hospital, the staff is going to be deeply interested in certain bodily functions that you might not otherwise admit out loud. To be specific, farts. I can’t tell you how many times during my stay at the hospital after my C-section, I was interrogated about whether I’d passed gas. At first, I denied everything, until I realized they weren’t going to let me out of there until I fessed up. Little did I know that flatulence was my ticket home. Geeez.