It’s that time again — time to make a list of New Year’s resolutions that we won’t manage to keep past this time next week. Whether we resolve to lose enough weight to fit into our high school jeans or overcome our obsession with expensive shoes, we all fall into the resolution trap.
How about we lose the pretense and make some realistic resolutions instead? I’ll start.
Make more — not less — annoying FB updates such as, “My kitchen floor is filthy and I don’t want to wash it. I need a sister wife.” Why not tell everyone how I really feel?
Eat more chocolate and less vegetables. Vegetables give me heartburn — and I need those chocolate endorphins to keep me just a few steps ahead of the preschooler.
Check out these dark (chocolate) secrets >>
Stop pretending to be on a diet and then gorging myself on my kids’ leftovers. While some people can pass on grilled cheese crusts and dried mac and cheese leftovers, I find them irresistible.
Quit attempting to channel Martha Stewart and accept the fact that my house looks like a HG reality TV horror story. If the stars are aligned this year, there just may be a reality show filmed in my living room.
If you are truly feeling motivated, teach your preschooler to pick up >>
Quit lying to my kids. Yes, I love you and you are adorable in all your 5-year-old splendor, but please bring the earplugs because no, I really don’t want to hear you sing The Wheels on the Bus one more time.
Get over my irrational fear of wet socks and dirty countertops. To the best of my knowledge, no mom has ever become incapacitated by a bit of dirt or filth. Leave it be.
How to deal with your child’s little white lies >>
Think of some more creative excuses when calling into work sick. What? Who says I don’t need the day off to mourn the untimely passing of my pet hamster?
Give up on keeping up with the laundry and use more deodorant. In fact, buy deodorant for every member of the family, including the preschooler. Less laundry means a happier mommy.
Save yourself the trouble and teach your kids to do the laundry >>
I will stop feeling guilty when dinner consists of string cheese and graham crackers with jam. Jam is a fruit, right? Point this out to your family.
No more false pretenses in the bedroom — I don’t have a headache. I’m just plain tired from the hours of Candy Land, chasing a toddler and picking up endless piles of stuff left lying around the house. But if you did the dishes, that might be a turn on… just sayin’.
Your turn to weigh in: What are your dysfunctional New Year’s resolutions? Tell us in the comments.