Homemaking hijinks

My house is decidedly a ‘deconstruction zone’ where
each child and pet tries to outdo the other in
wrecking the place. “Mom, I slid on the floor and
accidentally put my knee through the wall.”
My dinners are done when at least three smoke
detectors go off and my sheets haven’t been washed in
so long they don’t need to be ironed.

If you show me a list of things to do, I’ll show you
how to make a paper airplane.

I don’t sit around the house all day eating bon-bons
and watching the soaps. I’m not a soccer mom. I
haven’t joined the P. T. O. I don’t even homeschool
my kids!

Here’s the real scoop on what this homemaker does all
day.

My eldest son (age ten) and I went for a drive.
Whenever I get this child alone with me I am sure to
learn every intimate detail of the happenings at
school and in the neighborhood.

“Hey, Mom,” he said. “Did you know that if you drink
soda and then hold your breath and pinch your nose
that it will come out the other end?”

I’d never heard such a thing, but my son exclaimed
that it was true. Do you see where I am going with
this? A more mature woman would have either ignored
this tidbit of information or asked her child to stop
the potty talk. Not me.

As soon as my kids were gone to school for the day and
the little one was happily busy with his toys in
another room, I tested the soda story.

And wouldn’t you know it the results had the same
effect on my three-year old as does the crinkle of a
candy wrapper — he was at my side in no time. And he
informed me that somebody had just tooted. Bright
boy.

“Don’t you have something to do in the other room,
like play with your trucks or something?”

He just stood there grinning because all boys secretly
take great pleasure when Mom, a GIRL, does something
gross. He wanted to bond.

“Momma, I can burp my A, B, Cs!”

“That’s great. Why don’t you go do that with your toy
dog.” Off he skipped burping all the way.

I needed a moment to myself. My twentieth high school
reunion looms in the not so distant future and I have
been taking stock of my life as a homemaker. Just
what have I achieved?

Besides bringing five loving and compassionate human
beings into the world, I write this column and tell
the truth about 21st century stay-at-home moms.

And it makes me proud to know that at least one person
will test the soda story after reading this.

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