Got MILPs? (Moms I'd Like to Punch)

Apr 3, 2008 at 3:00 a.m. ET

Everybody has heard of MILFs (Moms I'd Like to F**k). However, MILFs technically only comprise a small subcategory belonging to a larger, umbrella group of uber-annoying moms I like to call MILPs (Moms I'd Like to Punch).

Who are MILPs?

MILPs are a growing group of annoying, offensive moms who are a menace to the general population of weary moms innocently minding their own business, and just trying to survive till the next nap. Their sole mission in life is to make your life harder and to question your own judgment, while advancing their own evil mom agendas. While most MILPs are merely clueless, self-absorbed and insecure, the most hardened MILPs can be judgmental, obnoxious, intrusive and downright dangerous.Here's a list of the worst offenders:


MILFs are the most minor offenders because they're usually too self-involved with maintaining their MILFiness to take notice of you. Being a hardcore MILF is hard work and time consuming. All the hair appointments, working out, the mani-pedis, the facials, the shopping and dieting doesn't leave much time to spend with their offspring. They're generally too self-absorbed to notice your parenting prowess. Unlike other mom subgroups, they have no interest in trying to convert you to their way of life because, like — OMG! — who needs the competition? And yes, MILFs are notoriously snippy, since they have chronically low blood sugar from carb deprivation. But they're also easy to spot and easy to avoid. The most annoying thing about them is that they perpetuate the standard of an unrealistic "new normal" for the vast majority of moms with chipped manicures, unwashed hair and a few leftover pounds that won't budge.


These sanctimonious, holier-than-thou moms are my arch-enemies. Yet I'll be the first to admit that I have my own inner sanctimommy moments all the time. This uptight breed of mom can be recognized with their permanently pursed lips, constantly rolling eyes and eyebrows raised in disbelief at your inept parenting. Under the veil of anonymity, these moms get their judgmental fix on the Internet by trolling parenting message boards and persecuting moms who work, circumcise, use pacifiers, What kind of TV mom are you QUIZdon't breastfeed through grade school, don't practice attachment parenting, watch TV, use disposable diapers and don't buy organic. Emboldened by their bullying success, some moms graduate to…

Drive-by parents

This mom is known for her hit-and-run style of snarky color commentating. She's that mom in the checkout line at the grocery store who will hiss in disapproval and dismay at the balloon and lollipop you allow the checkout clerk to hand to your toddler by saying, "I hope you know that those are both choking hazards!" and zoom off. These moms are the most insidious because they hastily leave the scene of their crime before the shocked victims can react -- or retaliate.

Typhoid Marys

Their kids are always, always sick and they never, ever keep them home from school or playdates. Even if their kids are home with diarrhea and vomiting from the rotovirus, these moms will drop off the homemade muffins lovingly made with their infected hands for the entire class to share at the Christmas party their darlings were forced to miss. Whenever there's an outbreak of any contagion, you can be sure that their kids are patient zero!
Next: Who's afraid of Typhoid Mary... ? And watch out for the Alpha Mom!

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