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I dream of jeans that fit

I read somewhere recently that you burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. So I thought, what if I slept on the couch with the television on? Surely, I would burn even more calories that way.

My husband had to burst my bubble.

So I started sleeping in.

Can I help it if I am a sucker for easy weight-loss claims? Who isn’t? Anything that promises everything we want at no expense, is a very attractive and compelling claim.

I mean, look at cats. All they do is sleep and usually they stay pretty slim. Dogs are the same. Mine only shows signs of life when I fill his bowl. So my theory is that we need to take more naps and sleep longer at night.

Of course, I’m not going to mimic animals in all regards. I’m certainly not going to just eat one meal a day. After all, I want maximum results with minimal expense.

Then I thought, what about sleepwalking? Doesn’t that burn double calories? But then I woke up while I was rummaging through the refrigerator. I guess there was a hole in my theory.

Next I tried sunbathing. I already have confirmation that sleeping burns calories, what about tanning? Don’t I burn any energy while I fry to a crisp? I certainly am getting a workout when I’m shivering because of loss of body heat due to a severe burn.

Bubble baths. If I sleep in a bubble bath, won’t I lose just a few more calories as I soak and get cleaned?

I’m running out of ideas. There has to be yet something else I can do that doesn’t involve the discomfort of – gasp! – exercise.

But, alas, like every other dieter I have had to face the hard truth. It isn’t my mouth that has gotten me into this overweight mess so much as it is my posterior. As long as I sit on it, I am not going to slim down.

Boy, that’s depressing. And now I feel like a nap. I’m like Garfield in human form. I’m not overweight, I’m vertically challenged. I like my lasagna and I hate Mondays. I also dread DIETS.

DIET: Dreaded Intentional Eating Torture

When we diet, we don’t eat what we want to eat and we eat what we don’t want to eat. Why do we put ourselves through that? What if we ate what we want, but less of it?

I think I’m onto something here. Unfortunately, I will have to discover some foods that I can eat more of. When one sliver of cake equals two pieces of fruit, I’m more inclined to choose the fruit, because I want QUANTITY.

At least then I can feel a little better about myself when I sleep on the sofa with the television on and dream of jeans that fit me.

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