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Toilet train your baby? Yeah, right

As if there isn’t enough to do everyday. The new parenting fad is diaperless babies, and learning how to decipher your baby’s grunts and determine which means, “RUN TO THE TOILET NOW!”

And here I thought I was doing an amazing job deciphering the difference between cries of mortal pain, screams of fright, rage, the whinies, and those general outbursts that mean “Feed me,” “Change me,” “Hold me,” “Give me something to drink,” and “I’m just plain bored.”

Thanks to the new fad, the bar for my parenting success has been raised. It’s not enough that the kids are still alive and the house is still standing at the end of the day. Now I need to manage diaper-free babies?

I can’t help but think how on earth I would have done that with my twins who were either in sync or perfectly matched like two tennis adversaries. First one wets and then the other. Then, one poops and next goes the other.

I thought it was all part of the potty training process to allow your child to feel the discomfort of wet pants and make the connection between the urge to go and the actual consequence. I mean, the old rule of thumb was this: if your child’s face turns bright red and he actually goes and squats somewhere (while wearing diapers, mind you) then the child is ready for potty training.

Who hasn’t witnessed their nearly-ready-to-be-potty-trained child scream in terror when he witnesses the elimination process of his own body or a sibling while in the bathtub? It happens at least once with each child. They practically climb the walls while you double over in a fit of laughter.

Now why would I want to skip that phase? Any rite of passage that brings a parent that much comic relief should not be ruled obsolete. But here’s what I really want to know. How does a child that cannot crawl, walk or sit handle this potty training business?

It’s not that I am against potty training. I’m against adding more things on my list of stuff to do. Racing my baby to the potty is going to severely cut into my television watching. You know that IS what we stay-at-home-moms do all day, right? Between Oprah and Dr. Phil, who has the time?

When my son was a baby he was a lean mean elimination machine. And so is his two-year old brother now. There just aren’t any breaks between what my boys put out. Better yet, I have the type of boys who, when babies, would actually go even more once the diaper was removed. Do they really think I’m going to spend my day dangling a baby over the toilet?

No way. My ‘office’ is the kitchen. That’s central command because most kid-happenings take place in the vicinity of the kitchen. I am NOT moving my office to the bathroom. It’s way too small and there’s no television.

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