It’s one thing to have a lazy partner, but something completely different when said partner is also hateful, abusive, spiteful, manipulative, and entirely neglectful. Unfortunately, this 23-year-old mother is experiencing the wrath of her same-aged husband who possesses every single one of those repulsive, shameful qualities.
Taking to Reddit’s “Am I The A—hole” forum, the woman begins by explaining that she paused the internet on every device in their home because her husband refused to give their 8-month-old son a bath on time, per the nighttime routine she established for the baby. She wants to know if that makes her an a—hole, but the situation is way more complex than the internet/gaming debacle. She writes, “I know this sounds like YTA but let me explain, there’s a lot of background information that went into this decision.”
“My husband does not help with the household whatsoever. Doesn’t wash dishes, do laundry, clean any room of the house, cook dinner, etc. He’ll get home and throw off his uniform onto the floor and leave it there until the next day. If the house is dirty, he’ll chide me and tell me that I don’t do anything, I don’t clean enough, I don’t cook dinner enough, etc.” Hypocrite is probably the nicest word we have for this soggy diaper of a man.
She continues, “Our biggest issue is the baby. I am the main caretaker for our son 99.9% of the time. I get up with him during the night when he wakes up crying. My husband will here or there, but he’ll start screaming at me about how he needs his rest and I need to get up. If our son is sick, I’m the one that takes off work. I’ve missed almost 6 weeks of work in the past 3 months because my husband wouldn’t even ask his supervisor if he could stay home one of those days.”
“I’m the one that gets up at 6 am and stays up with our son until about 12 pm-1 pm and that’s when I tell my husband he needs to get up and take care of the baby so I can take a nap (he sleeps anywhere from 8-14 hrs a day while I take a nap between 1-4 hrs). Once I get up, he complains that I’ve been sleeping ‘all day’ while he’s been taking care of the baby by himself and I’m lazy.”
We’re honestly reeling at the sheer audacity this guy has. He should be grateful for the overwhelming load his wife takes on, concerned about her lack of sleep, and more than willing to share duties. Instead, he does nothing and screams at her for doing her best given the nonexistent support she has.
She explains more of their dynamic — they’re both in the Navy — writing, “I recently got promoted to E-5 after being up 3 times in a row and taking a hard exam that I studied for. My husband unfortunately didn’t make it this time around and is still an E-3, and he blames me for it, saying if he didn’t have to transfer after a year at his previous command he would’ve made it. My husband told me that it’s not a surprise that I made it because my job is easy and all we do is sit at computers all day while he works out in the sun and cold on equipment (I’m in intelligence and he’s got a manual labor job). Then he’ll say he’s joking and didn’t mean to be rude, but this is a constant thing he does.”
He’s clearly projecting his own insecurities about his failures onto his hardworking, talented, totally deserving wife. The idiot should lay off the video games and put the work in to earn a promotion, but he probably has a bogus excuse for why that wouldn’t work, too.
The woman explains, “I paused the game tonight because every night we feed our son and give him a bath at 7 pm on the dot. He’s always had this routine. After I fed the baby, I told my husband that it was time for the bath (after I already laid out all the baby supplies and clothes for after bath) and my husband told me to ‘just sit the baby down in the playpen until he’s done with the game.'”
She continues, “I gently told him no, that it’s bedtime and I wasn’t going to shift our son’s routine so he could play the game for an extra half hour and my husband needs to learn to prioritize. I then paused the game and my husband flew off the handle, threatening to break my phone and refused to give our son a bath and called me lazy for not doing it instead. My husband literally hops on the game and plays from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep.”
All that considered, the poor woman is still asking if she’s the a—hole, even though it’s painfully clear that she is absolutely most definitely not. Redditors flooded the replies with empathy, support, and suggestions, with one user writing, “A few things here: First off, NTA. Obviously. Second: you’re dual military and he’s acting like he’s the only one who’s working. He’s clearly unable to cope with your success, not to mention you’re basically cleaning up after two children. The fact you made it to E5 with all this madness is amazing, so I applaud you.”
They continue, “Third, and possibly the biggest point here: this relationship is concerning me a lot. He threatened to BREAK YOUR PHONE? I’m BH in the military, and this stuff escalates. Consider couples counseling (unsure he’ll be on board) or think about… ways to get out. I know it’s not what you want to hear with a young baby and being military, I’m assuming your family isn’t nearby, but seriously, find a way to become independent of this man and find your way. I wish you and your baby the best.”
Another person commented, “NTA. Your husband is abusive toward you and neglectful of your baby. Even if you were a stay-at-home parent, you shouldn’t need to take care of most of the child care. However, you both work… yet your husband demands you are always the one to get up when the baby needs something in the middle of the night, you are the one who needs to clean, you are the one who needs to take off of work, you are the one whose job is unimportant.”
One person put it very plainly: “You don’t need to just pause the game. You need to shut off your marriage.”
OP hopped in the replies to write, “Update: my husband just came into the bedroom and told me he wants a divorce because he’s sick of my s—t. Lol.” Redditors encouraged her to capitalize on his threat, with one user writing, “That’s the kindest gift he could ever give you. Take him up on his offer.” Another commented, “Let him fend for himself and you go find an actual support system. You shouldn’t be dealing with this, you’re really not even in a relationship anymore. You’re just clashing in the same space.”
OP jumped in the thread again to give more context, writing, “For those asking why I had a baby with him, trust me, I’ve asked myself the same thing over and over again. But hindsight is 20/20, baby is here and a very lovely boy and the light of my life. It hurts my heart to think his father doesn’t see him as a priority, as well as him possibly growing up to treat women the way his father treats me. Trust me — I want to leave and have been thinking about it for a while.”
In response, one user wrote, “Look what’s done is done. You need to get out for yourself and your son, because this deadbeat will only get worse and drag you down. Took me 4 years and a 2 year old before I left. The whole putting down your successes thing, it’s called insecurity and jealousy and there’s no place for that in a partnership. Your wins should be his. Clearly he sees you as competition. You can’t be in a marriage with someone like that. It will never work.”
Clearly feeling like the thread is a safe space for her, OP opened up even more. She wrote, “I’m just going to give you guys a bit more info because I don’t tell anyone the extent of it for fear of my son being taken from me by his father. When I got pregnant, my husband (then bf) told me I had to get an abortion or he would not be involved whatsoever. I accepted that and decided to keep him on my own.”
The woman continued, “My husband then changed his mind and said he wanted to be a family and be involved, and that’s why we got married (so we could be stationed together). During my pregnancy, my husband constantly ignored me, ignored all my calls and texts. Constantly threatened divorce. It got so bad I was on the verge of getting an abortion at 5 months pregnant bc the stress was too much. He threatened to sue me if I did.” How’s that for ironic? This guy is absolutely vile.
“After I had the baby, my husband went back to his duty station. I was developed with PPD, PPA, and PPPTSD,” she shared. “My husband told me that I was annoying and needy, and that I didn’t know what anxiety was. He again ignored my calls and texts while I was home alone with our son for 3 months. He carried on an emotional affair with a female friend of his and chose her over his son and me when I asked for a divorce the first time because I couldn’t put up with the disrespect, lies, and sneaking around they were doing. She finally dropped out of his life after I confronted her and messaged her husband informing him of their ‘friendship.'”
She continued, “My husband has commented negatively on my weight, intelligence, dream career, my worth as a wife, woman, and mother. I haven’t left yet because I was so broken down I was convinced I had nowhere to go and couldn’t do it without him, and that nobody would want me the way I am after having a baby (his words). After getting promoted last week, and having a job lined up after getting out, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally ready to get out and let go. Ready to be free.”
People met her with even more support, with one user writing, “Abusers are really good at convincing their victims they have no place to go and no one will want them. But they are lying liars who lie in order to keep their victims. I am so proud of you for seeing through his s—t.”
Another Redditor wrote, “It sounds like you’ve finally got an out, please don’t let complacency and fear of the unknown trick you into staying with him. Scary as it is, I hope you petition for full custody. Guys like this raise misogynistic hell over women getting custody preferences, and he’ll be nasty about it. He doesn’t give a shit about your child, though. Your kid will be ignored while he continues playing games. Don’t let him scare you into allowing that abuse to continue.”
One person encouraged the young mother and wrote kind words of praise, surely touching the woman’s heart. “You can do this,” they wrote. “You are obviously an amazing wife — you take care of him, care about him, work hard and get a promotion for your family’s sake, leave him alone to pursue his hobbies, and encourage his relationship with his son — an amazing mom — you very clearly love your son, want what is best for him, and are trying to keep him safe — from this post I can tell you’re smart and level-headed, and you’re a brilliant woman.”
They continued, “It’s pretty clear that HE is the one who thinks no one else would want him, which is why he has to put you down, so you won’t leave him. What kind of woman wants a man who abuses her and won’t do anything around the house, is a horrible husband, and a neglectful father? Only the kind who is compassionate and loving, exceptionally patient and good. You got into this situation because you are these things, and you can get out because you are also smart, tough, and brave.”
OP again revealed more information in a follow-up comment, writing, “Also: I have wanted a divorce time after time, but we are from states at the opposite ends of the country, and I get out of the military next year and he’s got four more in. He made it clear that he will not allow me to take my son back to my home state so I can be with family.”
Redditors again flocked to her side with suggestions and encouragement. One user wrote, “Before you listen to your husband about what he’ll ‘allow’ you to do, listen to a lawyer about what the law says you can do. I think you’ll find you have a lot more power than you think you do right now.” Another commented, “He’s not going to be able to do this. He threatening you bc he knows this is your biggest fear. You need a good lawyer and documentation.”
Another Redditor wrote, “He can’t stop you. Especially since you can prove you do the majority of the childcare. Speak to a lawyer & get your ducks in a row. He’s telling you lies to get what he wants. Don’t believe him & allow him to keep you chained to him out of fear.”
We wholeheartedly agree with all of the advice given to this poor woman in her AITA thread, and we sincerely hope she’s able to escape the prison she’s currently in with her abusive, manipulative, neglectful partner. She and her son deserve so much more, and we hope this is the beginning of their journey to a happy, healthy, fulfilling life without the rotting banana peel of a “father” and “partner” that this abhorrent man is.
Before you go, check out these unbelievable stories about Reddit’s worst dads.