Being a stay-at-home mom is hard work — on that, we hope all reading this can agree. But does that mean stay-at-home parents should get a “salary” from their partners? One mom contemplating leaving her job to have a third child thinks so, but because her boyfriend disagrees, she’s taken this dilemma to Reddit.
Throwrastayhome told the AITA subreddit that she worked while caring for her other children, but as they consider having a third child and her boyfriend makes “five times” what she does, they’re thinking about having her stay home this time.
“I know several different women who were stay at home mothers for years who then struggled to survive when their relationships ended because they were blindsided and didn’t have money or jobs to fall back on,” she wrote. “I’ve explained this to him and that while it would be nice [to stay home], it would make me feel incredibly anxious and insecure. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but they trusted their husbands/partners too and look what happened.”
As a solution, throwrastayhome has suggested that they either put a lump sum of money in a separate bank account for her ($10,000 to start) or that he would regularly give her some kind of allowance to put into that account.
“He said I’m being ridiculous and he’s not even going to entertain the thought of rewarding my distrust, so I said fine if baby happens I return to work after maternity leave like before,” she said. By the way, she later added to the post that they’re not married because he doesn’t believe in it, and “where we are this means he has no obligation to me and there is no community property by virtue of our relationship.”
Are alarm bells going off in your heads too? Reddit agrees that so much about this boyfriend’s attitude is suspicious. But this is the kind of situation so many women, married and not, have found themselves in. We’d also like to add that throwrastayhome is seriously low-balling herself with this request. According to Salary.com, by calculating the amount of work a stay-at-home parent does and comparing it to other jobs, their value was equivalent to a $178,201 salary in 2019. Don’t even get us started on what that would look like for 2020 parents.
Redditors were mostly outraged and suspicious on this mom’s behalf.
“I would think long and hard before having another baby with someone who tries to brush off your valid concerns about your vulnerability,” dogladywithcats wrote.
“Have you considered not having a baby instead?” panzer22222 asked.
“You are smart and 100% right,” Tombul-Kus said. “It is not about distrust. What if he suddenly died? Anything can happen and you’d be left with supporting kids with no income. He has to marry you. It is not about believing in marriage but legally protecting your children.”
We wouldn’t go so far as to demand that all parents be married, but it does make sense for parents to make sure they’re protected financially and legally. Some people suggested that throwrastayhome get a lawyer involved to achieve this. Many people who are in very loving relationships get prenuptial agreements before they get married — and some draw up similar agreements when they have kids — so she wouldn’t be inventing something new here. Also, for all stay-at-home parents, financial planners recommend that you look into ways to contribute to your own individual retirement funds through IRAs or other accounts.
The future is uncertain no matter what your relationship status is. No one can blame a mom for wanting to plan for hers.
If only we could all have nannies like these celebrity parents.