Around my daughter’s first birthday, I remember having a conversation with my mom that filled me with a lot of guilt. I admitted to her that I really had no desire to play with my kid. I fully expected my mom to give me advice on how to change my mind about the issue. So, I was shocked when she simply nodded her head. She said, “I didn’t like to play with you guys either. And, honestly, I had more than one kid so I wouldn’t have to.” Not only did that brief conversation make me laugh, it filled me with relief that maybe I wasn’t such a terrible mom after all.
The pressure to play with your kids is something that I’ve always found perplexing. It’s something that modern moms tend to feel a great deal of guilt over if they have no desire, or time, to do it. But why? Is that really our job? Is it in the best interest of our children? I have come to the conclusion, at least for me personally, that it is neither required nor important for me to play with my children. And they will still become decent, well-rounded, beautiful human beings.
Here are five reasons why I don’t play with my kids, and I have no guilt about it.
1. I want to foster their creativity.
One of the many reasons that I appreciate my upbringing is the fact that my sister and I used our imaginations all day, every day. We weren’t distracted by the television or iPads or loud, obnoxious toys. Nor did we depend upon our mom to keep us entertained. We knew that mom was there if we needed her. Every now and then she would watch what we were doing, but her job was to take care of the home and our needs and, later on, a part-time job. So we pretended together and with our neighbor friends all the time. And it was wonderful. I want to instill the same sense of using one’s imagination in my kids. Especially in this very loud and distracting world we live in.
2. I want them to learn how to entertain themselves.
I can’t tell you how many times a day I hear one of my children whine about being bored. And every single time, I order them to go find something to do. I’m not trying to be a mean mom. And I’m not being a bad parent, despite how it sounds. Learning how to tolerate boredom, and entertain oneself, is a vital life skill. Unfortunately, many kids don’t learn how to do it these days. Allowing a child to learn how to entertain themselves will teach them self-motivation, problem-solving, and probably help them discover a few passions as they try new things.
3. My job is to provide and protect.
I am a single mom of two young kids. My job is to provide for and protect my children. That includes working so that I can earn an income for my family. This means I have very little time to play. Even when I was a stay-at-home-mom and did not need to worry about an income, my job was not to play with kids. My job was to take care of them, but also the house, the bills, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the cleaning, and my husband. Managing all of these things also left very little time for play. What my kids will learn by watching me work hard for our family is far more valuable to me than what they will gain from my playing with them all day.
4. It stresses me out.
I’m going to be really honest with you. I am really terrible when it comes to pretend play. I always have been. As a child, I rarely played house or with dolls or anything that required me to pretend I was someone else. As a teen, I took drama all through high school and hated every minute because I was a terrible actress. So playing pretend anything with my kids stresses me out!
Every time I have tried, I find myself stressed, bored, anxious, and looking for an excuse to flee the scene. Research has shown a direct correlation between parenting stress and behavioral issues in kids. The last thing I need is to be stressed out over mom guilt trying to play with my kids just to have them develop behavioral issues from it! Clearly, it’s better for all of us for me to gently and lovingly pass on playtime.
5. Our culture has it wrong.
And, honestly, it’s unfair to moms. I have never understood why American moms believe that we should spend all kinds of time entertaining our children. This was never how it was meant to be. Nor was it how mothering actually was in this country until fairly recently. Mothers in other countries, in fact, think we’re kind of ridiculous for feeling like it’s our duty to play with, entertain, or constantly be watching our children. Frankly, I kind of agree with them. I am all for keeping our kids safe and making sure they’re learning in appropriate ways. But the amount of control Americans tend to try to keep on their children is unhealthy.
Many cultures around the world place enormous value on teaching their kids to be independent from a very early age. Other cultures place more value on teaching kids to be obedient. In America, it seems our main goal is for our kids “to be happy all the time and experience no discomfort and achieve…These are competing values,” Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author of The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers, told Ted.com.
Be happy all the time? No discomfort? Goodness. No wonder we feel pressure to entertain our children. I don’t know about you, but I would far rather teach my kids independence, self-reliance, self-motivation, problem-solving, and creativity any day.
Of course, if you are the mom who enjoys getting down on the floor and playing LEGOS or Barbies with your kiddos, by all means do your thing (and god bless your for it). Psychologists suggest that there are types of play adults can have with kids that are actually really good for them (like sports and board games). But stressing out over or feeling a bunch of guilt for not playing with your kids should be banished from the Book of Motherhood, in my opinion. Whether you’re like me, a non-player, or whether you are a pretend-play loving mama, whatever you do, it should be a joy and not a duty.
This post was originally published on Baby Chick.