People, for the love of God, can we declare a moratorium on “gender”-reveal parties? For one thing, you’re revealing the baby’s sex, not their gender. For crying out loud, it’s 2018, people. Learn the difference. And for another thing, this social media-fueled nonsense is getting totally out of control, with parents trying to outdo scores of other parents online with crazy video reveals.
In fact, one gender-reveal extravaganza involved tannerite — which sounds like a 2018 baby name to us, actually. Tannerite, stop pulling your sister’s hair, you little dick.
However, Forbes reported that tannerite is actually a chemical that can be used in bomb-making (super!). This explosive substance detonates if you shoot it with a high-powered firearm. Baby shower + explosive chemical with pink or blue additive + guns. Hey, what could go wrong?
Welp, we’re happy to tell you. This particular gender reveal created a catastrophic 47,000-acre wildfire — and cost the proud papa a cool $220,000. That’s a whole lotta diaper cream right there. Hell, that’s a college education. Sorry, Tannerite. No Ivy League for you. Daddy burned down a forest and had to pay for it. Oops!
According to the Daily Beast, “It was a complete accident,” Dennis Dickey — an Arizona border control agent — said at his subsequent court hearing for starting the now-infamous April 2017 Sawmill Fire. “I feel absolutely horrible about it. It was probably one of the worst days of my life.” He pleaded guilty to causing a fire without a permit. That seems like a pretty low-key way of explaining it, but sure, that works. No biggie, just 800 firefighters fighting a vicious blaze that cost the state more than $8 million dollars, all in the name of gender-reveal entertainment. We’ll let @Mer_Squared on Twitter summarize:
Is it a boy or a girl? No. It is a fire. Congratulations.https://t.co/Cn8DaERDKT
— Meredith Russo, Author of Birthday (2019) (@Mer_Squared) September 30, 2018
Ironically, we really can’t find any articles that mention the sex of Dickey’s child. So much for that.
Now, that may be the most expensive gender reveal we’ve ever heard of, but it’s got a close contender for the most stupid gender reveal. And we mean really, really stupid. Try this one on for size: a gender reveal involving a live alligator. Or a crocodile. We’re not sure which. Our apologies to zoologists everywhere, but, yay, it’s a boy, so who cares? Our apologies also to the reptile in question, who deserved to eat the guy who forced him into this dog and pony and gator show.
Then we have the delightful reveal in which Grandpa is nearly blinded by blue powder.
There’s also a whole generation of children growing up scarred for life by gender reveals forced upon them by their overeager parents. Some of these poor kids didn’t even know Ma was knocked up again. Way to break the news to your older children, people. Don’t believe us? Here, have some long-lasting childhood misery:
And a simple Etsy search reveals an entire market designed for gender-revealists. Gender-reveal boxes and powder and invites. Need a 2-foot-long cannon that ejaculates pink? You betcha. Etsy’s got you covered. Kudos to the entrepreneurs who figured out this was a lucrative thing. Seriously. High fives all around.
In the meantime, we’re just going to get snarkier and snarkier. Can we just go back to celebrating the child and not the sex? People are literally blowing up things and blinding Grandpa over an announcement about tiny vaginas and penises. And besides, Willow might want to be Will in a few years anyway. Slow your roll, mamas and papas.