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Jessica Biel Is Every Mom Discussing the Terrible Twos

If you wake up Jessica Biel’s 2-year-old in the middle of the night, she will cut you. OK, maybe not literally, but girlfriend will be pissed, because this kid is driving her nuts and she needs her sleep. Sound familiar?

The incredibly relatable Biel is one of those celeb moms with whom we’d truly love to eat frozen pizza and drink cheap boxed wine. Biel spoke with Stephen Colbert on his show the other night to discuss her new series, The Sinner — but the conversation turned (hilariously) to Silas, Biel’s son with husband Justin Timberlake.

Silas arrived on the scene in early 2015, and Biel and Timberlake definitely aren’t ready for a second child — or even sure there will be one at all, according to Biel. Biel vented to Colbert about having to pry things “out of his slimy little hand” (Silas’s, not Justin’s) at bedtime, to ensure he doesn’t poke himself — and wake up the neighborhood in the process.

Biel said, “God forbid they wake up in the middle of the night. You know, if you wake my kid up in the middle of the night by accident, you’re dead to me.”

MoreJessica Biel & Justin Timberlake Are Not Loving the Toddler Years With Silas

Colbert teased Biel that any middle-of-the-night parties were likely the fault of Timberlake and his buddies. She agreed.

“Not my friends,” she deadpanned. “My friends are quiet, demure, modest. He’s a wild musician.”

Biel was also happy to list all the things that cover every surface of her house, courtesy of Silas. “What one can only hope is chocolate?” suggested Colbert.

“If it’s not [chocolate], it’s stickers and Play-Doh,” Biel responded. “And Gak and crumbs and who knows? Everything is covered with everything,” she said.

Colbert took the opportunity to warn Biel that the threes are often even worse than the twos. Biel is clearly resigned to her fate.
“I’ve heard so much about the ‘three-teens.’ The 3-year-olds are called the ‘three-teens’ because they’re so insane that they’re just like having tiny teenagers, which is way worse than having big teenagers, I think,” Biel shuddered.
Then she laughed and backpedaled as so many of us have done in her position (that is, the being-caught-complaining-about-our-kids position, not necessarily while on The Late Show): But no, really! motherhood’s great! My kid is so precious!
“I mean, listen. It’s not all terrible, by the way,” Biel said. “He’s like the greatest of all time. Now, I’m feeling really bad. He’s cute. He’s funny.”

Bonus: Motherhood has apparently inspired Biel to co-found a restaurant called Au Fudge, which Biel explained to Colbert is so named because parents can’t say “the fun words anymore.” The restaurant is the perfect haven for exhausted parents. You can eat (and drink!) while the kiddos go nuts in the eatery’s “creative space,” where there is an — absurdly but aptly named — Au Fudge au pair on duty. Sweet. Can we get a table for a few hundred of us, including Biel and Timberlake and even wild Silas?

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