Friends, countrymen, all those hopelessly addicted to celebrity gossip, lend us your ears!
The Bey-Jay twins are finally here!
But the news didn’t come from Beyoncé herself — and fans are a wee bit cranky about Beyoncé’s dad, Mathew Knowles, stealing her thunder on Twitter and Instagram.
“They’re here! #beyonce #twins #jayz #happybirthday,”Happy Birthday to the twins! Love, Granddad.” (Ah, celeb dads. They’re just like ours. Poor guy couldn’t wait.)
US Weekly insists they’ve got the scoop on the sex of the twins: a boy and a girl, according to their “multiple sources.” Hmm. OK. We’ll believe it when Queen Bey confirms it, but it sounds like those who placed bets on a one-of-each set of twins based on Beyoncé’s mismatched lingerie in her first birth announcement (baby blue panties with a pink-bowed bra), can pick up the keys to your various castles in the south of France. They’re waiting on your new private jet with your new butler.
Those of you who missed by a sex, better luck next time. At the very least, we all get to return to the that thing we call breathing, and that’s a pretty good consolation prize. Whew.
The Queen, er, Mama Bey, is said to be resting comfortably in Los Angeles. No word at this time on whether or not Blue Ivy did, in fact, witness the birth of her new siblings. Also no word at this time on whether there was a double rainbow shimmering over the hospital wing where the little demigods appeared. Or if the bodyguards were riding pegasuses. Pegasi. Whatever — you catch our (very excited) drift. This is big, big news, people.
Beyoncé and Jay Z’s babies are arguably the most anticipated twins of all time, having steeped for nearly nine months in a mix of amniotic fluid and liquid platinum and pure Bey-hive honey. We will be sure to update you as soon as any further news makes its way to us, but we’re pretty sure details will be scarce for a bit as Beyoncé and Jay Z settle in as the parents who are now outnumbered by their offspring.
In the meantime? Expect the internet to shatter into a million pieces, but, you know, in a nice way. Today, the world comes together. Meanwhile, behind closed doors in a hushed room full of clouds and smooth jazz, Bey and Jay stare at each other and mutter the song of millions of other parents of multiples: “OH MY LORD. WHAT WERE WE THINKING?”