Despite what you may have heard to the contrary, pregnant women are not wild, irrational beasts who rip your head off if you so much as look at them in the wrong way. However, in the interests of your own safety, it’s wise to take note of the following things that might just piss off a mom-to-be.
1. Tell her your birth story
Some people might want to hear about your 36-hour labor or your episiotomy. It’s safe to assume that a pregnant woman probably doesn’t.
2. Suggest baby names
Picture this: You show a friend two beautiful dresses and ask her which one you should wear to a party. In response, she pulls another dress out of her bag. It’s like that, only a million times worse, because it’s her baby’s name.
3. Comment on her bump
Would you comment on the size of a woman’s nonpregnant belly? Assuming the answer is no, because that’s what all decent people would say, the same goes for a pregnant one. Perhaps it’s tiny. Perhaps it’s huge. She doesn’t need you to tell her because she already knows.
4. Touch said bump without asking
Imagine someone stroked your nose without asking. (“Wow, do big noses run in your family?”) Or had a little squeeze of your thighs. (“Haven’t they grown!”) Annoying as hell, right?
5. Bring her back to reality
Pregnant women are allowed to live in a bubble. Let them think about the happiness their baby is going to bring into their life. Some people love to point out how hard having a baby is. Talk about stating the obvious. Everyone knows babies are hard work — even pregnant women cooing over nursery boards on Pinterest. Please let them coo. Pregnancy can be hard enough without spending the entire time worrying about a tiny monster wrecking your home, your sanity, your sex life and your pelvic floor.
6. Ask if the pregnancy was planned
File this in the “none of your damn business” section. In fact, do this for all questions about how the child was conceived. If she wants to talk about it, she will. All you need to know is that there’s a baby growing in there, and that’s pretty amazing, however it happened.
7. Predict the due date
“Hey, guys — let’s play Guess My Due Date!” said no pregnant woman ever.
8. Ask stupid questions
Are you excited about the pregnancy? Do you want a boy or a girl? Are you tired? These are all lose-lose questions that simply shouldn’t be asked. So don’t.
9. Offer unsolicited advice
Here’s the thing: Pregnant women cannot get away from unsolicited advice unless they never leave their house, watch television or use the internet. If she wants your advice, she’ll ask. Until then, keep it buttoned. Would you appreciate your friend quizzing you on your caffeine intake as you sink your third mocha latte of the day? Didn’t think so.
10. Make her decide how she’s going to feed
Some moms-to-be have an idea of how they want to feed their babies. Others don’t really think about it until they have a hungry infant in their arms for the first time. Some moms plan to breastfeed and end up formula-feeding and vice versa. The “breast is best” message doesn’t need to be rammed down her throat the second the plus sign appears on the pee stick.