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New Zealand Woman Gives Birth to 16-Pound Son — Really

For the love of God, someone stop pumping human growth hormones into the water in Australia and New Zealand, OK? Because women are not supposed to give birth to creatures as big as baby gazelles. We’re just not, all right?

But that’s what’s going on these days in Australia and now New Zealand. A baby boy born to a mother at Wellington Hospital measured 57 centimeters (about 22-1/2 inches) long and weighed — you might want to sit down and cross your legs hard — 16 pounds, 4 ounces.

Fortunately, this dear woman (who declined to be named) delivered her Volkswagen-sized baby via Cesarean section. Thank you, Jesus.

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Her newborn son, in case you’ve never seen a newborn, is twice the size of the usual. Doctors had apparently predicted the baby would be a healthy chap, but hospital staff and the parents weren’t prepared for just how healthy.

“We are not that tall ourselves, so we are not sure where his size comes from,” said the father to Stuff. He also declined to be named, and who can blame them? Feeding this kid is going to be a full-time endeavor, so the last thing they need is to go viral in public fashion. Going viral takes too much energy, people.

For the record? This big, big baby boy has an older brother who weighed an impressive 11.8 pounds at birth.

More: Bigger babies mean bigger problems

And speaking of records, there is a Guinness World Record for biggest baby: 23 pounds, 9 ounces born to Anna Bates, a 19th-century Canadian giantess with a giant husband. (Like, medical definition giant, not Jack and the Beanstalk giant.)

That record of 23 pounds, 9 ounces has stood for 138 years. And we really, really, really hope it continues to stand, because OMG NO, NO, NO.

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