So this happened: An Australian mother delivered a 13.5-pound baby boy with no epidural.
If you told us she also cured cancer and had the solution to world peace in her back pocket, we’d believe you. Because are you familiar with vaginas? If not why are you here?
Anyway, anyone with a passing familiarity with the vagina knows that we humans should be delivering infants the size of hamsters. Even a guinea pig would be pushing it. But no, women regularly give birth to creatures the size of unneutered tomcats (thanks, evolution, but you missed the mark on this one) without the help of anesthesia or even Tylenol. Women plop out big babies all the time, and major props to everybody who’s ever competed in this event and is well-versed in the subsequent healing of the female nether regions.
Natalie Corrigan of Melbourne, however, wins all the things with her vagina’s prowess. We salute her Down Under.
Corrigan was warned by doctors that her newborn — born in January — would likely be a wee bit larger than the usual. Just a little bit bigger. So nobody was expecting a child the size of a 3-month-old to Hummer its way through her cervix — least of all, Corrigan.
“I think I was in a bit of shock because the birth was natural,” Corrigan said to her local news outlet. “I only had gas, so I was still in a bit of shock just from that.”
No epidural, just a whiff of nitrous to kick off this party. This woman is our new hero.
“I’ve always wanted a little fat baby and I’ve got a big one!” Corrigan said after the delivery of her son, Brian Junior. (We love the “Junior.”)
Yes, ma’am, you sure do have a big one. Sources report that her man-child has already moved into her basement and likes to borrow her car. OK, we made that part up, but seriously. How big will this kid grow up to be, and how fast?
Corrigan and Brian Junior are doing swell according to her Facebook page. She offered thanks to her doctors and nurses at Mercy Hospital in Victoria — and said, “the power of positive thinking during birth” made her natural labor possible.
Girlfriends, make no mistake. We beg to differ with the amazingly modest Ms. Corrigan. Because no amount of positivity can slide a bowling ball through the slot in the pinball machine. This was a vagina miracle, and as soon as we figure out which saint we’re supposed to be giving thanks to for that, we’ll let you know.