Yes, the news these days is depressing as hell. But Ryan Reynolds’ Twitter feed continues to save us from jumping off bridges and mail-ordering under-the-tongue cyanide gel caps. Join us, won’t you?
Seriously, the guy is pretty much the funniest dude on Twitter. And his most hilarious tweets — and our favorites, obviously — are his observations on parenthood.
More: Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively and their daughters are killing us with cuteness
We’re not the only ones living for Reynolds’ next bit of color commentary on raising his daughters. Good Morning America hosted Reynolds the other day and asked him about his (occasionally grim and fatalistic) parenting tweets.
Things got awesomely raucous on air:
“I’ve always had empathy for parents, especially, like, flying,” Reynolds said. “I remember, before I had kids, I was always like ‘God, that’s hard.’ You know, because you can see they’re sweating, and they’re nervous, because their kid’s yelling and everyone’s mad at them… I’m the same way.
“I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children.”
When pressed by GMA to expound on this already gold statement, Reynolds quipped, “At 2 years old, they just have to rip off their clothing and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane. It’s like, ‘please, can we land?’”
More: Why Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively are one of our favorite couples
(We would happily sit next to Reynolds, Blake Lively and their little nutjobs on any plane, for the record. They can share our foil packets of stale pretzels any time.)
Instead of going on and on about how damn funny Reynolds is, we’ll just give you a little assorted appetizer plate of some of his best parenting tweets. Enjoy, unless you take parenting very seriously and have no sense of humor, in which case you should read anyway, and think about what brought you to this place.
The mobile above my daughter's crib is just a whole bunch of NuvaRings. So she remembers how lucky she is.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 20, 2016
Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 30, 2017
I watched Frozen without my two year old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 9, 2016
Ask your doctor if you qualify for an extension. A 4th, possibly even 5th trimester can be very peaceful for the father. Congrats. https://t.co/CTdyI66in3
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 11, 2016
Inside my daughter's diaper this morning, I found a half-digested wolf. Try me. https://t.co/6wuZLsl7Nu
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 3, 2016
This morning, my daughter said, "quiche" which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 21, 2016
My daughter love the @MileyCyrus song, "We Can't Stop" because she thinks it's about cutting the brake lines on my car.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 17, 2016
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 7, 2016
My infant daughter's traumatized for life. 50 Shades of Grey = Worst fucking coloring book ever.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 17, 2016
Being a father means responsibility. Not just for your main family, but also the secret one in Denmark nobody knows about.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2016
Damn it's hard letting your infant daughter go somewhere alone for the first time. I was a total mess dropping her off at Burning Man.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 7, 2016
On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 16, 2016
Proud of my baby daughter placing last in her old-timey, bare-knuckle street fighting class. Congrats to her 31 year old opponent, Rick.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 7, 2016
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