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Amal and George Clooney Are Having Twins

You heard right: Amal Clooney, formidably brilliant and impressive human-rights lawyer as well as wife to what’s-his-face from ER, is gestating twins.

Yes, the mysterious and willowy Amal Clooney did just steal Queen Beyoncé’s baby thunder. Nicely played. We admit it. We didn’t see it coming, but this is getting goooood. (*inhaling popcorn with crazy eyes*)

More: Amal, for the love of God, are you pregnant or not?

We don’t know about you people, but we’re getting a little freaked out by 2017. Please, can we recap?

First, the orange guy with the baby hands and the Twitter addiction.

Second, Beyoncé and her epic announcement that not one, but two, baby Beys are practicing the “Single Ladies” routine within her sacred lady vase. And that photo shoot. Oh dear God in heaven, the photo shoot.

Third, forever-bachelor, no-effing-way-will-I-procreate George Clooney has impregnated his wife.

This massive, gladiator smackdown news was served up on Thursday by cheeky The Talk host Julie Chen, who is now expecting a million-dollar pay raise for getting to be the first person to say, “Beyoncé is not the only superstar expecting twins.” Burrrrrrrn.

More: Amal Clooney is fighting terrorists, but no big deal, y’all

Clooney is apparently due in June (according to her breathless new bestie Julie Chen). Julie Chen also told TMZ that the Clooneys are also expecting a boy and a girl, which is the reigning rumor on the gender of the Carter demigods — er, infants.

(And if you don’t believe BFF Julie, know that sources did confirm the summer due date to Us Weekly.)

What is this sorcery? What are the chances? Will all four babies bear the mark of the Illuminati? We feel a dark chill slithering up our spines, a deeply unsettling sense of foreboding. How will this play out? Will the couples bond over these twins or will the United States devolve into all-out civil war? No longer blue states and red states, but Carter states and Clooney states?

At the very least, there is totally going to be a birth-off.

Not to brag or anything, but we did have a hunch (along with 40 million other people on the planet) that there might be a mini-human-rights lawyer forming in Clooney’s belly. She had all the signs. OK, she had one sign: baggy clothing.

(Important note to our readers: If you are wearing baggy clothing, you are pregnant. It’s science. If you don’t want to be pregnant, go change. Now. Wasn’t that easy?)

What will happen next? At the very least, Bey will not stand for it. Mark our words: Beyoncé will report next week that another pair of twins has been found miraculously gestating inside her left calf muscle. Or in a Glinda the Good Witch-type bubble found floating over their Carter estate. Something has got to give.

You think we’re kidding. Just wait. THIS BATTLE OF THE SUPERSTAR TWINS IS NOT OVER. Not by a long shot.

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