I like babies. In fact, I love babies. I just don’t like my babies served up in NFL Super Bowl ads. When the NFL tries to get all warm and fuzzy in a let’s-keep-the-mommies-watching-the-Super-Bowl marketing way, I am not into it.
I didn’t see the famous Super Bowl babies ad last year, but you might have. Lots of people who were not me liked it. It’s the one with babies and kids (and some weird adults) wearing NFL jerseys reflecting on the teams (ew ew ew) responsible for their happy births (ew ew ew) exactly nine months after the teams’ Super Bowl victories (ew). Oh, and singing. They are singing about their decidedly not immaculate, greasy, fiesta dip-scented Super Bowl night conceptions.
With lyrics like, “What makes the Super Bowl so super? A day we adore. It is a day, so super, it’s why we were born,” and, “Mommy and dad, they cuddled. Canoodled. All night. Baby,” the whole mess of a song sounds like a series of Trump tweets set to the tune of Seal’s “A Kiss From A Rose” (Seal even has a cameo in this creepy homage to Super Bowl sex. Dude. No words for you).
Before you chomp my head off, those of you who enjoy your Super Bowl served with a side of baby guacamole, I was not the only one creeped out by last year’s “When Daddy Impregnated Mommy” ad. I’m just saying.
But enough people gushed over the cute kids — and had a seemingly high tolerance for watching children thank the NFL for indirectly knocking up their mothers — so the NFL is at it again, for Chrissakes. This 2017 NFL Super Bowl ad is set to ’80s prom ballad “You’re the Inspiration” and (if I get this right) features babies dressed as legendary NFL dudes. I think I recognized the first guy with the mustache, but it was all downhill after that for me — just one big drooling, diapered inside joke. (OH, I KNOW. YOU’RE SO CLEVER YOU RECOGNIZED EVERY SINGLE ONE. Fine. I like English Premier League soccer, so…)
Even the sound bytes released by NFL’s marketing department are ewwww: “The Super Bowl babies campaign idea has legs. And in this case, they’re baby legs.”
(Turns off Super Bowl, binge-watches Westworld.)