Everybody take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Repeat after us: Our babies will never be as cute as this Gerber baby. And that’s OK.
Gerber has unearthed the darling nugget by which all other blobs of sticky baby humanity must be measured: the 2017 Gerber Spokesbaby, 7-month-old Riley Shines (we can’t make this stuff up). He is a dapper little gent who has no effing idea what’s with all the lights and really just wants to look at his spaceship mobile, thankyouverymuch.
So why was Riley picked over 110,000 other babes whose pitiful parents were delusional enough to think they had a Gerber baby-level cute infant?
Well, Gerber says Riley was chosen for his “expressions and visual appeal, as well as how well he’d represent the brand.” Nice work there, baby Riley! And congrats on that honorary MBA in branding and marketing!
According to Riley’s parents, Kristen and Devin Shines, they “made the spontaneous decision” to enter Riley in the search a few months back, but didn’t expect to win.
Claim all you want that you didn’t expect to win, Shines. You knew your baby was the cutest baby there ever was. I mean LOOK AT THAT FACE. He’s a goddamn angel.
What’s that, other parents? You say your baby is cuter? … Sure. Everybody thinks their baby is the cutest. Except now we know better because we have quantitative evidence from Gerber that our babies are hideous. It’s OK. We’re dealing with it.
So what did Riley win besides bragging rights (if, you know, he could talk) and a nagging, haunting feeling for the rest of his natural life that he peaked at 7 months old and it’s all downhill from here?
Well, Riley and his shiny parents scored a $50,000 cash prize, $1,500 in Gerber Childrenswear and “the chance” for Riley to star in a 2017 Gerber ad.
(We’re thinking “the chance” means Riley better not get too comfy. Watch out for baby acne, Riley, or a brief but devastating awkward phase. Your career could be over. That’s showbiz, kid. Sorry.)
One more perk: Riley’s year as nonverbal spokesbaby will be documented in full on Gerber’s social media platforms. So you’ve got something to look forward to if your own baby is not a looker. Which, you know, it just isn’t. Sorry. But at least now you know and you can stop spending all that money on digital photo books for the grandparents.