Not pregnancy etiquette as in, hey, if you’re knocked up, stop eating all the ice cream in the middle of the night. Because as we all know, pregnant women can — and should — do whatever the hell they want. It’s no picnic, growing a human in a space smaller than toaster oven. Back off and let bun-in-the-oven lady do her thing, even if that means no ice cream for the rest of the household.
No, Conrad’s rules are for the casual observer of a pregnant woman in the wild. Conrad, currently in her second trimester, has (politely! ever so politely!) had it up to here with nosy, mouthy, grabby plebeians getting all up in her pregnant grill. On Jan. 17, she posted “Ladylike Laws: 4 Things to Never Say to a Pregnant Woman” on her eponymous blog. In a perfect world, Lauren Conrad would not have to take precious time away from her lifestyle maven-ing to lecture us (those tchotchkes are not going to decoupage themselves, people). Still, we have to admit that Conrad’s refresher course in what not to do if you suspect you are in the presence of a possibly pregnant person is eminently reasonable.
Rule No. 1: Do not ask a married couple when they are going to have kids. (We completely agree with Lauren that this can be a “major trigger question.” There’s no way of knowing if someone’s dealing with fertility issues, is mourning a recent miscarriage or just really, really doesn’t want to be the reason someone is a slave to psychotherapy in 30 years. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.)
Rule No. 2: Never ask when someone is due unless you are 100 percent certain they are expecting. (If you don’t know, you’re not supposed to know — either because they don’t like you or because they are totally not preggers. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.)
Rule No. 3: Refrain from commenting on the size of someone’s bump. (Unless they first comment on the size of some part of your body. Otherwise: KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.)
Rule No. 4: Don’t touch the belly without asking! (This may be the top complaint of the pregnant women we know — and who can blame them? LAY OFF. NO TOUCHIE.)
Basically, if you find yourself around anyone of childbearing age, maybe just don’t be a toddler, m’kay? Keep your hands to yourself and wait for someone to give you the 411. This public service message has been brought to you by Lauren Conrad, her fabulous hair and us.