You have to issue all kinds of rules when you’re a parent; most are the ones you expect, like “no hitting,” “don’t run with scissors” and “look both ways before you cross the street.” Sometimes, however, you’re forced to establish a rule that is so utterly bizarre that you’re amazed the words are even coming out of your mouth, let alone that this is something you’re actually going to have to enforce.
One day you’re just going along, parenting like you always do, and the next thing you know you’re telling your child to get away from their sibling because people don’t like to be stared at while they’re pooping. And you’re thinking, “Why is this even something I have to say? What is happening here?”
“We don’t poke each other in the butthole. Not in the bath. Not ever.”
“No crayons in the butter.”
“No climbing on the rails of the ferry boat. Not on the inside of the boat and ABSOLUTELY NOT on the outside of the boat.”
“There shall be no slapping of your penis against the shower curtain.”
“While on holiday my brother had to bring in a rule of no crossbows to be fired in a moving car.”
“Stop licking the kittens.”
“Doors aren’t toys. I don’t know why anyone would think they are.”
“No waffles on the cat.”
“No, you cannot go wave at your dad from the driveway with no clothes on.”
And our personal favorite:
“There is no playing of Gloria Estefan’s ‘The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You’ in my house because my son somehow became TERRIFIED of a monster called the Rhythmus, and his constant fear is that the Rhythmus is gonna get him. No bullshit. There is no place to hide, it comes at night. The Rhythmus gonna get him.”
Kids are so weird.