I remember it like it was yesterday. My family was sitting in a church pew while the entire congregation had their heads bowed in prayer. In the celestial silence I heard my 2-year-old son scream.
“Mom! My penis is really big!”
He was standing on the seat beside me, pointing to his newfound erection, and I couldn’t help but laugh. So did everyone else sitting within earshot of our family. Sacrilegious or not, it was hilarious.
Any parent can attest that when a little boy discovers he has a penis, all social norms go out the door. They will grab, pull and point out their private parts in public with the greatest of enthusiasm. (They also tend to be completely confused when you explain that not everyone has one.)
For every mom who wonders if her son is the only one obsessed with his genitalia, never fear. These 10 hilarious stories prove every boy is the king of his own penis party.
Marking his territory
A mom of three shared that her youngest son, just a tad over 2, had recently discovered the joys of being a nudist — along with his ability to water the plants with his penis. She’d just dressed her little one and turned around to talk to me, when he peeled off his clothes and started urinating on the front lawn. “Stop it!” she yelled. His response: “But Mom, I want to pee on everything!”
One mom of two recalled how her 3-year-old, wanting to decorate his penis, wrapped a Jake and the Neverland Pirates Band-Aid around it. She was completely freaked out, which caused him to also panic. Upset, she called her husband, who had absolutely no chill either. She finally calmed down and realized warm, soapy water would solve their sticky problem quickly and painlessly (even though her husband was already on his way home to save his son’s manhood).
No shame in his yanking game
A first-time mommy diligently taught her then-1-year-old the correct terminology for his body, including his boy parts. She remembers the first time he used the proper word for his genitalia while sitting in the tub, pulling and stretching himself so vigorously she worried he might seriously do some damage. All fears were cast aside when her son announced, “Mommy! My penis feels great!”
A mom of two remembered the time her young son thought his penis was doing performance art. “He stared at his penis and proudly told me, ‘Look, Ma! He’s dancin’!’”
An aunt and mother shared the time she heard her nephew refer to his privates as a ballpark favorite. “He said his ‘hot dog’ hides in the bath when the water gets cold. My sister and brother-in-law have no idea where that came from!”
Not on the train, son
A mother of a now fully grown, adult son laughed while sharing her fond memory of his public masturbation on an Amtrak train. “We were headed to San Diego, and I had to tell my son, who was wrist-deep in his own shorts, [that] that sort of thing is totally OK in the privacy of his own bedroom but isn’t appropriate for public display.”
One mom realized her son thought everyone had a penis — or at least needed one. “When our daughter was born, her older brother inquired about why she didn’t have a penis. When we told him she didn’t have one, he said, ‘That’s OK, she’ll grow one when she gets bigger.’”
A mother of two adult sons shared her eldest son’s humorous misunderstanding about peeing on the floor. “When my second son was born in my mother’s spacious bathroom, I sat on the heated tile floor, holding him in my arms. We were surrounded by friends and family who cheered as my newborn peed a nice arc in the air. The next morning, my 3-year-old stood and peed on the living room floor. He seemed bewildered by the lack of comparable enthusiasm by those same adults seated nearby!”
Peeing out of your butt
One 3-year-old asked his mom why girls peed out of their butts instead of their dinkles. “He was so confused!” she recalls.
The incredible growing penis
Imagine hearing your son scream, “Mom, it’s growing, it’s growing!” from behind the shower curtain. One mom rushed to see what the commotion was about and found her son standing up with his penis in his hands, with a look of complete shock.
Clearly boys begin their fascination with their penises from an early age, and from what I’ve gathered now that my sons are nearly 16 and 18, that excitement about their genitals never fades away.