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All the headlines about Mick Jagger’s new baby that you won’t see today

Congratulations are in order for 72-year-old Mick Jagger and his 29-year-old girlfriend, ballerina Melanie Hamrick, who announced today that they are expecting their first baby together. The Rolling Stones’ frontman has seven other children from previous relationships, five grandchildren and one great-grandchild, and this will be the first child for Hamrick, who dances with the American Ballet Theatre in New York City.

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It’s undoubtedly an exciting time for the couple, but in the midst of this announcement, which follows closely on the heels of the birth of fellow bandmate 68-year-old Ronnie Wood’s twin girls two months ago, we can’t help but wonder: How would people react if Mick Jagger were a woman?

Obviously the chances of a 72-year-old woman giving birth are very slim indeed, given that we’re all usually given a “reprieve” from the monthly hell of cramps and pregnancy scares with the rollicking good time that is menopause long before then, but still. Women over 35 who announce their pregnancies are often greeted with hesitant congratulations and forwarded WebMD articles about the dangers of old ladies having babies. And when that mom is a celebrity?

There’s list after list dedicated to goggling at women like Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry when we learn that women as old as 40 (!) do things like have sex and then babies even though they should have already traded all of that for knitting or bridge club by now.

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And to be fair, we know this couple will generate plenty of criticism, and it will probably be leveled at Hamrick, which is comforting at least in its familiarity. Oh, look! It’s starting already!
So we thought we’d play a fun game. Let’s dream up some headlines that we’d see if we treated Mick Jagger the same way we would, say, Helen Mirren, who is two full years younger than Jagger himself:

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