Any seasoned parent knows that at some point they will inevitably be covered in some form of human waste. It’s kind of like being baptized by fire — or urine or poop or, in one man’s case, vomit. Husband and father Ben Patterson took to Facebook last Friday to share his gag-worthy experience with his son, Declan, and we’re so glad he did, because the epic hilarity that unfolded via a string of urgent text messages to his wife has got us literally laughing out loud (no, seriously — it turns out there is a legitimate reason for the abbreviation “LOL”).
If you can get through these text messages without cracking up, then you’re probably a classically trained spy, because this guy’s misfortune is epic.
“I’m standing on the side of the road dry heaving,” he writes as he’s clearly fighting a losing battle with his child’s projectile vomit.
After he begins puking on some stranger’s lawn, his sobriety is questioned. He tries to explain to her, to no avail, that he’s a sympathetic vomiter and, well, just read for yourself…
He continues to panic (and vomit) as he’s given a breathalyzer…
This guy is all of us when our kids do something that grosses us out, which is basically every day. Parenting is gross; none of the books we were offered beforehand ever came close to preparing us for exactly how nauseating it would be at times. It’s more of a hands-on lesson that we all eventually learn, and whether that’s by probing our babies’ backsides as a constipation solution or dodging urine during diaper changes or catching vomit in our bare hands, those lessons don’t sting (or stink) any less.
Of course we love our babies so much that all the poop on our hands, all the lingering stenches in our house and all the sympathetic vomiting pale in comparison. If nothing else, our endeavors can be used for bribery when they’re teenagers to keep them from stepping out of line.
Ahh, parenthood — a time when you will never be more grossed out or in love in your entire life. May your gag reflexes be strong and your antibacterial soap be plentiful.