On Mother’s Day a few years ago, my wonderful husband, consumed with stress over what to get me for Mother’s Day, decided instead of getting me a present that would disappoint me he would get me nothing at all. It’s the kind of reasoning that only someone in the heat of Mother’s-Day-present-buying-despair would use.
And it’s bad.
So this year I am plotting out, step by step, what my perfect Mother’s Day would be like. From wake up to bedtime, to wake up again for snacks, to bed one more time, this mama is getting herself an awesome Mother’s Day.
1. Don’t wake me up before you go-go
My eyelids should not be moved to the full and upright position any time before 8 a.m. Now, 8 a.m. is not a suggestion, it is a no-nonsense minimum. In fact, if we could push that to 10 I’d be a blissed-out camper. Also, please know that letting me “sleep in” while still allowing the children to come and talk to me about what they want for breakfast or what their 10 favorite Minecraft characters are does not count as sleeping in. Those children should think I’m in another country until lunchtime.
2. Breakfast is time for coffees and nom-noms
I’m going to need at least four lattes in the first five minutes. Let’s follow that up with waffles or French toast or pie or something like that. Mother’s Day is a day for eating all the things that we can’t eat every day but deserve to because we’re mothers, damn it. But seriously — coffee.
3. Morning activity
Nothing. I’m either going back to bed and taking a post-waffle-pie (waffle pies are not a thing yet, but they will be this Mother’s Day, right, honey?) nap or I’ll be going back to bed to read a book. But I won’t be vertical, that’s for dang sure.
4. Let’s do lunch, sweet-style
A box of chocolates will do nicely, thank you very much. Celebrate me! It’s Mother’s Day!
5. Afternoon activity
See the morning activity, but replace “waffle pie” with “chocolate-covered caramel clusters.”
6. A homemade… I mean, home-served dinner
It would be really sweet if the kids made me dinner. And then my husband can eat it while I dine on curry from my favorite Thai restaurant because Mama does not eat mac and cheese and boiled bananas on Mother’s Day.
7. Evening activity
This is when the slideshow that my husband will have been working on for months happens. I expect photos of me (looking good — eyes open, from my good side, and looking approximately 20 pounds lighter) will be interspersed with quotes about what a good mother I am. Maybe something like this one from Abraham Lincoln: “All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” Yeah, that one would work.
8. Mama gets the big bed
After a day like this one, I am sure to go to bed with a smile on my face. There will be nice, clean, soft sheets on the bed and I will sleep alone because my husband will happily take the couch so that I can sprawl all over the bed like the queen that I am.
Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!