When you find out you’re pregnant, you’re flooded with both information and emotion overload. Everyone from the teller at the bank to the stylist at the salon feels the need to enrich you with their tales of maternity. And while most of them mean well, many of the fantasies they’re filling your impressionable mind with are complete fibs.
There are truly some incredible things that happen with women’s bodies during pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean that it comes without its woes. It would have been nice if people would warn us of the impending weirdness that was about to go down while they were fabricating the wonderment of baking that little bun.
Since they don’t, we will! Here are 10 lies they tell us about pregnancy…
1. You’re going to glow.
We’re not sure about all that glowing talk, but you’ll definitely glisten with sweat while fighting off a heat stroke in the middle of winter. Is it hot in here?
2. You’ll never feel more like a woman.
Um, what exactly does this even mean? Does feeling like a woman mean that we’re going to be 50 shades of crazy? Because the emotional torment of hormonal instability does a serious number on our ability to remain mellow.
3. Your skin is going to be flawless.
Maybe for some people this is true, but for others our skin reverts to a pubescent state of pizza face. Also, there’s this thing called the mask of pregnancy that no one bothers to warn us about. Yeah, thanks for that.
4. You’re going to have the most amazing hair.
Yes, our locks get a nice little boost of shine and volume while pregnant, and it’s awesome. However, those fickle hormones that gifted us with an influx of princess hair on our heads also made their way to the rest of our body. No, we’re not hippies with poor hygiene; it’s just that our hair grows faster than politicians change their minds. Dollar Shave Club, anyone?
5. Your boobs will be incredible.
First of all, not everyone is super enthused about supporting a supple rack. Second, we’d be much happier with our regular ole boobs if that meant that they didn’t ache every time someone so much as even glanced in their general direction. And third, having the temporary perkiness of Pam Anderson’s bountiful bust line is no consolation prize for what happens to them after we have our babies. Also, thanks for the warning about them potentially leaking towards the end of our pregnancy. That would have been nice to know before we went to brunch in a gray shirt.
6. Food will never taste better.
Again, for some people pregnancy hormones season everything they taste so perfectly that they’re left in a puddle of their own saliva after just one bite. For others, the scent of a perfectly cooked steak or freshly baked cookies could induce profuse vomiting. And just don’t even think about bringing a pickle within 30 feet of us. Seriously, don’t.
7. You will never be more in tune with your body.
Um, just because we’re informed of what size fruit our baby is on a daily basis, that doesn’t mean that we’re “in tune” with what’s going on in there, or that the changes happening are any less confusing. Did we pee in our pants or did our water break? Is the baby kicking or did we eat too many tacos? No one really knows. Also, our newly acquired hemorrhoids beg to differ with this theory of symphonic physiology.
8. A baby bump is the best accessory — it goes with everything.
Well, actually it doesn’t go with anything unless there’s a certain degree of elasticity. And no, we actually can’t wear most of our regular clothes, but thanks for making us even more self-conscious about our bodies.
9. You’re going to get the best sleep of your life.
For a while, this may be true. But when our cute little bumps turned into watermelons, sleeping became an aerobic activity. Rolling over while eight months pregnant became the most intense workout of our lives, and trying to sit up from lying on our backs was pretty similar to a turtle being stuck upside down on his shell. There’s a lot of rocking and rolling and panting involved (and cursing).
10. You can’t eat (insert forbidden item here).
Who knew that sandwich meat was so deadly? Or that a cup of coffee would literally spur the spontaneous combustion of our uterus? Or that salads would put your kid at risk of poor performances on the SATs? Really? Come on, people. If you’re not a doctor, your medical “knowledge” is irrelevant.
Pregnancy is different for everyone. For some women it’s a beautiful, breezy day in a picturesque park. For others, it’s like being held hostage in a hot yoga class for nine nauseating months. Thankfully, the end results are all the same, and we eventually all change the same smelly diapers.