It’s ugly Christmas sweater season, and you know what that means: time to don your ugliest poly-wool blend and party hard at your nearest ugly sweater shindig. That means you too, nursing moms. There is officially no reason for you to forgo the fun now that this ugly breastfeeding abomination is a thing.
Breastfeeding during the holidays isn’t always easy: Every place you want to be is crowded and terrible, there’s a chance you’ll leak through your wool-poly blend tops and chafe the hell out of a nipple and, of course, there’s your one relative who likes to tsk-tsk you whenever you start to lift your shirt.
Well, here’s a solution to your problem. An Etsy shop called YourSassyGrandma specializes in ugly holiday sweaters, and one in particular has caught the approving eye of nursing moms everywhere:
Now, YourSassyGrandma wants everyone to know that the sweater actually wasn’t designed with breastfeeding moms in mind. For one thing, the pastie isn’t sticky after you remove it the first time, and for another, those googly eyes are a choking hazard. Two words: extra pasties. Two more: Sharpie markers.
Seriously, do whatever you need to do, because if you’re really going to pass up a chance to throw this bad boy on and go shake up your company holiday party, you are doing the world a massive disservice. Plus, how often do you get a chance to wear something that allows your baby such easy access to your breast? Give yourself the gift of a day free of nursing bra-induced finger cramps. You deserve it.
Probably the funniest thing about this sweater is that, all in all, most people will find your boob less offensive with antlers and a pastie on it than your actual baby, so you should take full advantage of that by adding an additional pompom and pastie to the back of your kid’s head so everyone is especially comfortable around you and your tinsel-ringed milk makers. Although honestly, if someone in a sweater with a knot pattern of a reindeer orgy takes issue with a little innocuous breastfeeding, you should probably add ditching them as a friend to the top of your New Year’s resolution list.
If you’re part of a straight couple, there’s even better news for you. Your partner can get his own version to sport as a show of solidarity, and both of you can go all matchy-matchy as Santa’s two newest reindeer: Nipzen and Boobolph:
This is honestly a perfect way to normalize breastfeeding and to lighten it up a little. Yes, you are of course a radiant mother-goddess providing her baby with the gift of butter-scented poops and antibodies, but there comes a time in every breastfeeding mother’s life to loosen up a little and poke a little fun at herself. Of course breastfeeding is beautiful. Well, it’s beautiful unless you’re wearing a nasty yarn-bomb complete with dancing ginger-people. Then it’s ugly as sin.
And that’s a really good thing.