Come December, many of us share the story of Santa with our kids as part of a family tradition, but when you stop to think about how creepy some of Santa’s habits are, it’s a wonder our children manage to sleep at all on Christmas Eve.
There are a lot of things Santa Claus does that would get you arrested if you did them. We like to think of Santa as a kind and happy soul, but actions speak louder than words — and when you look at his, they’re not so much jolly as scary. Check out these nine reasons why Santa Claus is actually kind of creepy, and see how different you feel the next time you hear Here Comes Santa Claus.
1. He sees you when you’re sleeping.
The idea of an old man looming over you while you sleep isn’t comforting, it’s nightmare fuel.
2. He comes sneaking down your chimney.
Because nothing says “festive” like a little B and E. The man comes by on the same day year after year. If we really don’t mind him dropping by, why don’t have a key made for him already?
3. He invites you to sit on his lap.
Some parents don’t pressure their children to show physical affection to family members they see regularly but still encourage their kids to hug Santa Claus. Yet if a man at the mall who isn’t wearing red and doesn’t have a beard asked your kid to sit on his lap, you’d be screaming for security, STAT!
4. He knows when you’re awake.
If Santa really can see everything you do, is anyone else really embarrassed by the thought of Santa Claus watching us in the bathroom?
5. He keeps a running list of people he considers to be “naughty.”
Do you know who else does that? Serial killers.
6. He sends his evil minions on recon missions into your house.
Don’t let those adorable impish smiles fool you; we all know who the Elf on the Shelf is really working for.
7. He runs around screaming nonsense in the middle of the night.
Not even Siri can tell you what “Ho, ho, ho” means, and she speaks nine languages.
8. He eats your food.
If someone’s going to help themselves to the last of the milk and your tastiest treats, the least they can do is rinse their dishes afterwards.
9. He doesn’t curb his reindeer.
Not cleaning up after your pets is the No. 2 way to make the neighbors dislike you (right after deciding to raise a rooster). In all the many images there are of Santa delivering presents on Christmas Eve, not a single one features him holding a little plastic baggie. Now who’s on the naughty list?