We try to be on our best behavior around babies, so we find ourselves doing alien things like saying “Oh Fudgsicles!” and not spending too much time watching Hannibal.
But on the first day out without the baby, suddenly you can do whatever you want again! You are yourself again. Here are some thoughts that will probably go through your head on your first night out without the baby:
1. Holy shit, I can say “shit” again!
Just wait until all those grown-up words are gone for good and you find yourself at a sporting event uttering alien phrases like, “Oh my goodness, that is the effing worst!”
2. Is it OK if I order a cocktail? Is it OK if I order 12 cocktails?
The answer to this question is between you and your babysitter.
3. Is my shirt inside-out?
Spoiler alert: Your shirt is totally inside out.
4. Finally I can let my hair down, literally!
Babies like nothing more than pulling on hair, so unless you get that pixie cut, you’ll be wearing buns and ponytails in your child’s presence until he or she is 14.
5. How long before I can put my hair back up?
Once you get used to that ponytail, it’s hard to wear it down again for any amount of time. All those shiny tendrils are just going to get in the way of your eating and drinking.
6. Is that baby food on my clothes?
You’d better hope that’s just baby food on your clothes.
7. All my dancing is mom dancing now.
Before the baby you had moves like Jagger. Now everything you do looks designed to embarrass a teenager in 14 years.
8. Do I really have to go do something exciting?
I know you have tickets to the opera, but if you want to just throw the tickets away and go drink wine and play on your phone, I will not tell anybody.
9. How much does a nanny cost, anyway?
It really seems like you should be able to train a friendly St. Bernard to take care of your children like in Peter Pan.
10. Did I just spend my whole free night off watching videos of my kid on my phone?
We’ve all been there.
11. Maybe I should have gotten a hotel room.
It would be naughty, like in high school. But less so because you’re like a million years old.
12. Do I really have to go home now?
Can’t I stay out forever?