Is there a part of parenthood less appealing than potty training?
Messes, tears and endless piles of laundry… if offered the choice to have my children potty trained by a magical toilet fairy in exchange for having my toenails forcibly removed, there would at least be a very long pause before I gave my answer. I don’t think I’m the only parent out there who would find these nine options an appealing alternative to the dread that is potty training.
1. Eat a cereal bowl full of bees.
Milk is optional; you don’t want your bees to get soggy.
2. Listen to the Kidz Bop version of Britney Spears’ Toxic on repeat for 36 straight hours.
Can’t be that toxic if there are no actual bodily fluids involved.
3. Lick 10,000 envelopes in a row.
As long as someone else potty trains the kid by the time that disgusting envelope-glue taste is out of your mouth.
4. Live without Facebook for a month.
On the bright side, this will also keep you from seeing your friends’ humblebrag-y status updates about how they potty trained their 18-month-old in five minutes.
5. Get papercuts on every fingertip. And toe.
“Sorry, honey, I can’t help clean up Junior after his accident, my Band-Aid-coated fingers are too clumsy to wield a packet of wipes.”
6. Give up coffee cold turkey.
This might actually be the best time to do potty training: while you’re in a fugue state and will remember none of it later.
7. Eat raw kale for every meal.
You might have worn your molars down to dust by the end of a week, but you probably would have ground them down to the same condition in frustration anyway, so it’s still a net win.
8. Bathe in lemon juice every day.
But hopefully not at the same time as having those papercuts on all your fingers.
9. Sleep in a bathtub filled with angry squirrels.
It’s still probably more sleep than you would get lying in bed wondering if your diaperless child is currently fingerpainting on his bedroom walls with his own personally created paint set.