If you’ve ever gone out and about during your third trimester of pregnancy, you’re probably used to the amazingly thoughtless words that pop out of other people’s mouths at the sight of you.
“Wow, you got huge!” “Oh my god. You’re soooo pregnant.” “Is it quintuplets?” And so on, as if the proximity of your pregnant belly is enough to push the off switch on people’s common sense. When you’re swimming in prenatal hormones, it can hard to muster up a smile or force a chuckle when someone reminds you — yet again — that you haven’t seen your feet in a month. But what can be a little easier is to have a few canned responses on deck for when someone makes a comment about just how massive you are.
Here are a few that you can try out.
1. “Oh, hey, is that why I can’t read the numbers on the bathroom scale anymore?”
Sarcasm is nearly as crucial a substance for an expecting mother as folic acid. Or ice cream.
2. “Thanks for letting me know. I can’t actually see all of myself in the mirror at once anymore so I wasn’t sure whether I was fat or not.”
Deadpan this as you stare them straight in the eyes so they’re not entirely sure whether or not you’re joking… but they are sure that they’re a little afraid of you.
3. “Congratulations! Your eyes do work.”
This one comes off even better if you can pull a fistful of confetti from your bra or some other equally convenient location.
4. “Wow, you got rude!”
“Does the doctor know what happened to your verbal filter? Is there some kind of medication or surgery that can restore it? We’re praying for you.”
5. “Thanks. I’m going method for my next acting role, where I’ll be playing Shamu in the stage version of Blackfish.”
Then ask them if they’ve bought tickets yet. Few things get people running as fast as thinking you might try to make them sit through your community theater program.
6. “Actually, I’m not as big as I look. I’m just a little puffy from having an allergic reaction to bad manners.”
Then cough dramatically until they get the hint.
7. “Yeah, funny story: I ate a piece of chewing gum during a tour of this creepy chocolate factory and wound up turning into a blueberry.”
“Oompa loompa doopity da, given good manners you will go far.”
8. “Hey, no spoilers!”
Tell them there’s few enough surprises in the world these days, and so you’ve decided to go through your whole pregnancy without looking in a mirror until the very end. If they try to keep talking to you, clap your hand over your ears and run (or waddle) away yelling, “La, la, la, la.”
9. “Sorry, what was that? I wasn’t listening.”
“I was too busy thinking about the pint of ice cream I’m going to treat myself to after I’m done talking to you.”