Take a look at the hilarious slip of paper a bunch of lucky parents got from their school’s PTA in lieu of the usual beginning-of-the-year fundraiser:
There’s no question that this is clearly a brilliant idea, and for busy, introverted and socially awkward parents everywhere, it’s a dream come true. If you’ve ever cruised the neighborhood looking for someone — anyone — to take overpriced, off-brand candy bars off your hands, you know exactly what we’re talking about.
If you’re in the PTA (or PTSO or whatever you call yourselves these days) and not convinced this will work, let’s get real. It will be welcomed with open arms by parents out there because:
1. We still have frozen pizza dough of questionable provenance languishing in the back of the freezer
You don’t know what year you bought it. You don’t know how it has survived three cross-country moves. All you know is that it cost $35, and you’re afraid to touch it.
2. Our neighbors won’t meet our eye at the grocery store, and at least one has petitioned for a restraining order
The goodwill of your community officially ran out the year you were tasked with peddling mail-order meat, aka the great salmonella plague of ’12.
3. We can relive a real-time chronology of “fun runs” past just by looking at our rag bin
Your child grew out of those shirts before they ever had a chance to wear them a second time.
4. We have permanent, incurable nodules on our voice boxes from standing at the end of driveways and shouting, “Tell them what you’re raising money for, sweetie!” to our child as she goes door-to-door
Who knew that your painfully shy child would have difficulty approaching irritated strangers and asking them for cash?
5. We don’t know which is worse: if our child actually earns one of those crappy fundraising prizes, or if they don’t
You are constantly fluctuating between not wanting to console a child who worked really hard to earn a high-flying, sonic-shriek, glow-in-the-dark Frisbee but didn’t and not wanting to find out what a high-flying, sonic-shriek, glow-in-the-dark Frisbee is.
6. No one wants snickerdoodle dough — no one
Too bad the only other thing on offer is Pizzelles, the world’s grossest “treat.”
7. We are still paying off the vet bill from when our dog got into the industrial-size trash bag of stale fundraiser popcorn last year
She informed you that it was a close call and that “food” is dubious terminology when it comes to industrial-size trash bags of popcorn.
8. The last time we brought a fundraising order sheet to work, only one person wrote on it
They flipped the form over and used a bright red Sharpie to write a passive-aggressive screed about bringing fundraising order forms to work.
Fundraisers are a necessary evil given the high cost of running a school, and though most parents are more than happy to open their wallets when it comes time to give, the stuff they’re tasked with shilling is usually a tough sell. This PTA poked gentle fun at parents and PTA fundraisers alike, which was the perfect way to acknowledge how people feel about that, and we hope they meet every goal they set!