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The most shocking Scary Mommy confessions ever

How did I live life without the Scary Mommy Confessional?

Somehow, I’m super late to the party, but I’ve only just recently discovered the genius that is the Scary Mommy Confessional.

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“Back when I started it, there really wasn’t anywhere anonymous to get thoughts off of your chest in a fast and cleansing way,” explains Jill Smokler, the founder of Scary Mommy and its subsequent book. “People were so careful what to say within the blog comments since they all linked back to real profiles and I wanted to create a place where people weren’t afraid to write what they were really thinking.”

Now, the Confessional has taken on a life of its own. “I think we’re hesitant to express our darkest secrets and failures to the people we know and love, so it’s a comfort reading that other women feel the same way,” Smokler says to explain the Confessional’s popularity. “One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness, and with the Confessional, you are really never alone.”

When I read the confessions, I couldn’t help but wonder how anonymous they really are. What would happen, say, if someone confessed to a murder or something else along the criminal lines? Smokler says that there have been a “few instances” where she had to turn over some confessions to the authorities. However, the confessions truly are anonymous, even for the authorities. “We can see where everyone in the Confessional is located, but nothing more than that and there’s no way to pinpoint which location is confessing what,” she notes. “Sometimes, I just want to reach through the computer to offer support to someone, but I can’t. I’m not sure what ended up happening with the confessions that got reported, and thankfully that doesn’t happen often!”

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So, does Smokler read the confessionals that pour in? “They get to be a bit much after five years!” she laughs. At this point, Smokler says nothing shocks her when it comes to the Confessional, but she did share a few of her no-holds-barred un-edited favorites with us.

  1. “I’m wearing maternity jeans but I haven’t been pregnant in six years.”
  2. “I hate reading bedtime stories. I only do it because I know I have to. Sometimes, I just let them fall asleep watching TV.”
  3. “I kiss my young teenager goodbye in the morning as she leaves for school, rising above the hormone-fueled snarling and histrionics. Then I close the front door and flip her off, with both hands.”
  4. “I forget to brush my 1- and 2-year-olds’ teeth. I am not sure why it’s so hard for me to remember, but it’s a good thing that these teeth will fall out.”
  5. “Hidden in the pantry in a box labeled “flour” is top of the line chocolate and a few joints. I rarely resort to it, but it’s a comfort knowing it’s there.”
  6. “I miss the career I gave up more than I miss my son when I go to the grocery store. But I always get to go back to him.”
  7. “Once a woman asked me if I breastfed my baby, so I asked her if she shaved her vagina. Sorry, you don’t like personal questions? Me neither.”
  8. “I confiscated my teenager’s stash of pot, gave her a lecture, and have been smoking it ever since myself.”
  9. “I joined a gym just for the free daycare. I drop the kids off and read magazines and blogs in the locker room.”
  10. “At the end if the day, my needs are really simple: To be able to shit in peace.”
  11. “I throw candy wrappers behind the couch and then blame the kids when my husband finds them.”
  12. “My kids hardly bathe in the summer. The pool totally counts.”
  13. “I knew my daughter had lice and I sent her to school anyway because I didn’t want to cancel my hair appointment.”
  14. “I buy store-made muffins and pass them off as my own for bake sales.”
  15. “Everyone thinks I’m such a great mom for teaching my daughter how to read already. It wasn’t me. It was the Leapfrog pen. I had no idea she could read.”
  16. “I have a favorite child and I am hardest on him because I feel so guilty about it.”
  17. “I clock out of motherhood at 8 p.m. I’m so done that I walk out even if they aren’t all tucked in bed and go hide in the basement with my laptop and a beer.”
  18. “Mother dropping her kid for a sleepover at my house: ‘No food dye, no dairy, just soy milk, only organic food, and we don’t eat ANY fast food.’ I let them eat all the junk they wanted. They seemed fine.”
  19. “When my daughter asked me what comes after a trillion, I told her ‘a gazillion.’ Um, we are homeschoolers. Not supposed to just make shit up.”
  20. “Three kids and my husband has never changed a poopy diaper. He says he hates the smell — like I like it?! I’m going to shove the next one in his pillow.”
  21. “I often see kids and say, ‘My baby is WAAAY cuter.’ Not every baby is cute.”
  22. “I’ve been socking away $5s and $10s for years and finally have two thousand dollars. No idea what I’ll do with it, but having my own money again is empowering.”
  23. “Questions of the day: 1) How did the pepperoni get stuck to the ceiling? 2) Why didn’t gravity kick in & make it fall? 3) How did I not notice this? 4) When did we have pizza last?”
  24. “I put my kids to bed in their clothes so I don’t need to get them dressed the next day.”
  25. “I confess that most days, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. Everyone thinks I have it all together — good wife, good mom, successful career — but I really don’t. I’m ready to stop pretending to be perfect now.”

Warning: If you, too, are new to the sacred grounds of the Scary Mommy Confessional, you should know that it is highly, highly addictive. As in, you may think of the Confessional at all times and find yourself clicking over to see what new confessions have cropped up during your baby’s nap time, feeding time and even lunch time. Here are a few of my personal favorites.

1. “Pooping with the Baby Bjorn on was a new motherhood low.”

Yup. Been there, done that.

2. “DH told me last night that he can be either a husband, or a father, but can’t handle being both. He wants me to pick which one! Wtf? We have 3 DC, ages 8, 3, &2.”

I never knew it was one or the other…?

3. “DH is still in love with a hooker he met a few yrs ago (yes, we were married). She put herself through school & now has a dignified career. DH actually mourns this girl because she ‘left the business & dumped me!’ No words.”

No words here, either.

4. “My kids have done little else but play their Kindles and watch cartoons during the summer. I’m a teacher. I’m burnt out and depressed, just don’t care. I am broke during the summer, anyway. Feel like a POS.”

Sounds like summer to me.

5. “Sometimes, motherhood feels like volunteer slavery…”


6. “Motherhood has made me feel brainless, tired, and kind of empty inside. I feel like a zombie.”

Hugs, Mama.

7. “DH has shared me with some of his closest friends. It’s not all of the time and I have to agree. Not a threesome, I just slip over and spend the night in the guestroom. None of our friends would ever guess.”

Um, yeah, I’m just going to leave this one right here and back away slowly.

8. “My daughter is the obnoxiously loud kid. Just like mil and sil. I am mortified, and I have no idea how to teach her to shut the f*ck up.”

Oh, boy.

9. “How my husband is not totally repulsed by my mom body is beyond me but hey, sex is better than ever so I’m not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth.”

Maybe this one is my confession, maybe it’s not. Who’s to tell?

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10. “I wish I could go back in time and parent my oldest two completely differently. I’m such a better mom with my third. I hate myself for spanking my first two. I’m so sorry.”

Regrets are the hardest part of parenting some days.

11. “My daughter and I both have children to the same man.”

Whoa, now.

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