New ads making fun of moms are a giant FAIL (VIDEO)

TV moms are already basically just uncool, capri-bedecked wedge-cut-sporting tryhards. Hefty somehow managed to make them seem even lamer.

Like most mothers, you are probably a frumpy idiot in mom jeans who copes with being frightened by your teenager’s use of internet slang by making popovers and folding something — anything — to take your mind off of it. But what if you aren’t? That’s the question Hefty seeks to answer with three new videos that turns moms into something less lame by teaching them words like “fleek” and “basic.”

Amazingly, the videos are trying to sell durable red cups, as in those things you lob ping-pong balls into during your moron stage in college. I’m sure they’re used for other things, but I can’t personally vouch for that. I’ve literally only used them to chug Natty Ice out of. So it seems like the campaign would be better aimed at college students, but whatever. Moms are big dumb pleat-front fun suckers, and they’re easy to tease, so let’s do that instead.

1. #Blessed

Video: Hefty Brands/Youtube

We start out strong, with a commercial that takes everything that anyone over the age of 12 finds grating about the internet and mashes it all into 40 seconds of what feels like someone dragging a cheese grater across your brain. Immediately the most irritating component of this campaign becomes apparent; the slang is dated and sucky and annoying. It’s every douchey commuter you’ve had the misfortune of sitting next to on the train speaking aloud in hashtags, plus the added squick of hearing a grown-ass woman deriding “salty side chicks.” I guess they figured there was no way they could get away with thot on TV.

2. Turnt

Video: Hefty Brands/Youtube

“Turnt” has the dubious honor of being the worst of all three, and that’s like having to pick which you would enjoy less: licking the bottom of your trashcan or licking the caulk around your toilet. I chose this one because in this spot, a woman puts away groceries and says things like “cray” and “bae” and “sorry, not sorry,” which just happen to be my three rage triggers. This one is supposed to be funny because look at this frumpy oldster saying youngster words. It’s absurd! Actually, that’s the reason they’re all supposed to be funny. Moms are so clueless!

3. Worth it

Video: Hefty Brands/Youtube

This is the one I find the most bearable, only because the woman in it seems to be self-aware as opposed to the disconcerting mix of clueless and idiotic, like the first two. I could see an adult woman doing this. I myself have woken up with mac and cheese in strange places in my own home. But please don’t take that as a testimony to greatness. Or even goodness. It still sucks. Hard.

The thing is, I don’t have a problem with poking fun at moms. I love it. I do it, and I am a mom. The only thing I ask is that it’s funny, and these don’t even come close. There’s no excuse for being unfunny. What makes this campaign even worse is that it goes a step further than unfunny; it’s lazily unfunny, like the marketing team opened Urban Dictionary up in a bunch of tabs and had a competition to see who could come up with the worst 40-second spot imaginable.

Make no mistake, the Hefty commercials don’t offend me. I’m not offended, I’m bored. Moms who think they’re people? The attempt to capitalize on internet memes that were not funny to begin with? White folk co-opting AAVE to get some har-hars?

Seen it. Next, please.

Sorry, Hefty, but your red cups will always just be a poor man’s Solo.

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