Advice columnist Coleen Nolan claims she listened to her son have sex
The Mirror's agony aunt Coleen Nolan claims she received an "accidental" voice message from her son that recorded him having sex. Instead of deleting the message and washing her ears out and perhaps cringing out of embarrassment, she listened for four-and-a-half minutes.
Parents, I have some sad, sad news for you. One day your precious children are going to grow up and do it. You know what I mean by do it, right? They will have sex.
Listen, I love sex! Sex is great and nice and life-affirming and wonderful and all that. I want my kids to have sex. When they move out of my house and only have consensual sex while using birth control. I do not want to hear it.
I can think of so many things I would rather listen to than my kids having sex. Nails on a chalkboard. A few hours of vuvuzelas playing. A dentist's drill. Paul Anka's "Having My Baby" playing on repeat.
Pretty much any terrifying sound in the world other than my own kids doing the nasty. It's just so creepy! To make matters worse, Coleen claimed that when she heard it, she was dead impressed.
I don't know about you guys, but if my kid left me a voice mail and I realized they were having sex, I would delete it right away and never mention it and not go on a TV show and talk about it. Nor would I save the voice mail and play it for my kid and his girlfriend when they came over, as Nolan claims she did. Awkward lady, totally awkward.
I want to listen to my kids have sex as much as they want to listen to me have sex. Not. So tell me, what would you have done? Listened? Or delete delete delete.