If toddlers weren’t so cute, it’s reasonable to think that we’d all be scared for our lives.
Case in point? These very real quotes from very real toddlers, courtesy of parents just like you.
1. After spotting a birthmark: “Mom, someone pooped in your armpit.” – Author
2. When asked if he had fought at day care again: “No, I simply hit him.” – Redditor leveraged_buyout
3. Upon Mom asking her to put on her pajamas: “But I can’t stop dancing!” – Redditor Eminentmolecule
4. When she spotted a large man exiting a Mini Cooper: “Ha! Mom, look at that giant man in that tiny car!” – Author
5. In regards to his mother’s nipples: “Mama, those look like hotdogs.” – Maria M.
6. “Mama, I want to pee outside,” says toddler. “Like a dog?” asks Mom. He responds, “No, like Logan.” – Redditor BarefootLittleGirl
7. Upon seeing his mother’s pubic hair while dressing: “Mama, why is your butt hairy?” – Maria M.
8. “When my daughter was 3 she said a bad word, and her dad said that good girls don’t say those things. She responded, ‘Well, mama do!'” – Kristen S.
9. When a toddler saw an African American child being disciplined for bad behavior, she said, “You can’t do that to him, because he’s chocolate and that’s my favorite!” – Redditor QuickLookLeft
10. “Mommy, do the worms in Africa know where Seattle is?” – Redditor rumtussle
11. “We gave my toddler a sippy cup to help his ears when our plane took off. As we ascended, he yelled, ‘Alright, everyone start drinking!'” – Christy S.
12. Upon receiving a toy screwdriver: “I just want to screw everything!” – Redditor furrylittlebeast
13. Completely unprompted during playtime: “Well, I just want to use this to shoot a baby.” – Redditor morgannebee
14. “I have a big belly now — just like Daddy and just like you!” – Redditor kirlysue
15. While drinking orange soda at a family picnic: “Ugh, my beer is warm.” – Redditor KennyTheBearded
16. When asked what she was doing with her hands under the table while eating naked, she said: “It’s OK, Mommy, I just put a pea in my pocket to save for later.” – Redditor TooMuchWeightLoss
17. “Your hair looks like a cinnamon roll. It makes me hungry.” – Shaquatta B.
18. “Oh, vagina would be such a pretty name!” – Redditor One_Great_Smile
19. Upon seeing her dad get out of the shower: “Mommy! Daddy got to talk to you! He’s got a hotdog!” – Allyson W.
20. While sitting on the toilet: “It’s gonna be a big one, Mommy!” – Indra V.
21. “That horsey has a penis, just like Daddy!” – Terra A.
22. “Mom, I pooped a baseball.” – Nicole W.
23. While reciting the Pledge of Allegiance: “And to the Publix, where witches stand.” – Heather P.
24. “My kid said, ‘Howdy, f***ers!’ upon making an entrance to an extended family meal. We realized later that he was trying to say, ‘Howdy, partners!'” – Sarah B.
25. “Is boys’ underwear long so their penis doesn’t stick out the bottom and everyone laugh at them?” – Reddit One_Great_Smile
26. In a Whole Foods: “I’m the only one who can touch my penis.” – Allison Z.
27. “At bedtime, my toddler said that his tummy didn’t feel, so I asked him if he felt like he needed to throw up. He said, ‘No, it feels like it needs to get up and watch SpongeBob.'” – Redditor rocketshipotter
28. “Mine likes to shove baby dolls under her shirt and tell me she’s going to have a baby. We were at a wine store when she screamed, ‘I think the baby’s comin’, mama!'” – Pauline C.
29. “Thalia always tries to kiss Landon and me because she’s a gangsta like Kevin and Logan. Yee-yah.” – Redditor Mackie49
30. Upon breaking Mom’s sunglasses: “Something is wrong with your glasses.” – Redditor audhepcat
31. At parent open house: “My daddy’s favorite drink is Jägermeister, but he doesn’t like it too much, because he always drinks from little glasses.” – Marcy M.
32. While sitting in traffic: “It’s a damn parking lot out here!” – Author
33. While walking up and down the aisles of the grocery store: “Get mommy wine, now!” – Redditor Elephant3P0
34. Upon understanding the difference between boys and girls: “Papaw, you have a penis!” – Carrie H.
35. When she stepped out of the shower to put her toddler back to bed: “Mom, are you drying your beard?” – Redditor 2LittleSnuggleBugs
36. “I can fart whenever I want, because I have my own tooshie.” – Danielle T.
37. “Babies are full of blood!” – Redditor PumpkinSeed
38. “I don’t need to go pee pee — I just did last week!” – Redditor gazos
39. “No, I mean, what if strawberries came out of your butt?” – Danielle T.
40. While watching a younger sibling breastfeed: “Is there chocolate milk in the other one?” – Karen G.
41. While breastfeeding a toddler: “I want to taste the other side.” – Danielle T.
42. When reaching the halfway mark of a road trip: “We have to go back home! I forgot my wallet.” – Danielle T.
43. Upon bumping her wrist: “Daddy, I hurt my hand-ankle.” – Redditor SimonThalmann
44. “Daddy, I want to stick suckers in my butt so I can shoot them everywhere.” – Redditor Buckcheeks
45. While looking at her helping of spaghetti and meatballs: “No caca!” – Alexandra R.
46. When discussing childbirth with a toddler: “Spiders in your belly will get your baby out.” – Redditor nealesa
47. “Mommy, I want a penis. A pink one.” – Karen G.
48. “Yuck, that tastes like crocodile food!” – Danielle T.
49. Upon spotting his mom’s cleavage: “Is that a butt?” – Devra G.
50. “I think my ankle cracked, but maybe it was my leg-pit.” – Redditor kidisms
More about toddlers and preschoolers
Working at a day care changed the way I feel about it
Awesome mom still breastfeeds her 3-year-old triplets
Toddler gifts that don’t make any noise at all
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