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8 things parents will actually end up doing on New Year’s Eve

Hey, remember when New Year’s Eve was a great big party? Maybe you trekked all the way to New York City to be a part of one of the biggest New Year’s celebrations on Earth. Maybe you hosted dazzling parties that all of your friends raved about. Whatever it was that you used to do, kiss it goodbye. Once you have kids, New Year’s Eve celebrations are just one more thing robbing you of your sleep, and your big night won’t look anything like it used to.

It’ll look like this, instead.

1. You will foolishly vow to stay up until midnight

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This will entail one of two things. Either you will pay what can only be described as a grotesque amount of blackmail money for someone to watch your (sleeping) children so you can go out into the world with the other adult people, or you will decide to party at home. Maybe you’ll even let the kids stay up with you. “It’ll be great,” you and your spouse will reassure each other. It will not. Because…

2. You will immediately regret this decision

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I know you used to stay up all night long. You could party or study or work into the wee hours of the morning. But that was a whole other lifetime. The one where you didn’t pee every time you sneezed.

3. You will drink more than you should

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What’s New Year’s without a little bubbly? A chump’s holiday, that’s what. So you will ignore the voice in your head that says your children will be up before dawn and chug it like it’s 1999. You might not even bother with a glass.

4. You will not go to bed when you should

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Since your alcohol tolerance is nowhere near what it used to be, those gulps of Andre’s will inevitably lay you a little low. You know you should go lay down, but that’s for geezers. So you will soldier on, to everyone’s chagrin.

5. You will set all of the clocks forward

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If you’ve decided to stay at home and let your kids party with you, you will probably notice that nothing good happens with kids after 9 p.m. To remedy this problem, you will go around the house slyly turning every clock forward by precisely one hour. If you know what’s good for you.

6. You will force yourself to watch Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve

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If you can stand to watch Ryan Seacrest do Seacrest-y things for longer than two whole minutes, you might consider putting everyone’s favorite ball drop on the television. Be prepared to be sad, because with a rising alcohol level, the lack of Dick Clark, images of the young and carefree and the unfortunate looming threat of Taylor Swift’s inevitable singing, you will wonder what your life has become in a moment of ugly clarity.

7. You will tap out early

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Whatever you end up doing, you will give up at least an hour before the big moment, which will end up being the smartest thing you do all night. You might lean in for a tired, sloppy kiss from your partner, maybe, if it isn’t like, too much work.

8. You will make a resolution to never, ever put yourself through this again.

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More on New Year’s Eve

How to celebrate New Year’s Eve with toddlers
Amazing places to ring in the New Year
Perfect New Year’s Eve party drinks

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