10 Ways moms are like serial killers

Jan 17, 2015 at 11:00 a.m. ET
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If you've ever preserved your baby's cord stump in a scrapbook, you might be a serial killer — or just a mom. Moms and serial killers have specific profiles that set them apart from the rest of the population.

I know that technically being a mass murderer isn't funny, and neither is being a mom. But if we are going to survive this crazy ride called parenting, we have to find humor where we can get it. Moms do some pretty weird stuff, and serial killers do too. If you've ever been out of your mind with child-rearing insanity, you may have more serial killer tendencies than you think.

Here are 10 warning signs you might be a sociopath, or just your average soccer mom.

1. You keep human remains, and lots of them

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Moms get away with scrapbooking really creepy keepsakes, like teeth, hair and umbilical cord stumps. If you're not a mom, somebody always has something to say about it.

2. You've trained yourself not to show emotion

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Weathering an epic toddler tantrum requires you to deaden yourself inside, much like a cold-blooded killer.

3. You have gaunt, hollow eyes

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Pretty much how every serial killer is portrayed in every movie, ever.

4. Or, you have wide, alert eyes

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This probably means that your baby kept you up all night, and you're surviving on coffee. That, or your hopped-up serial killer facial expression is making everyone uncomfortable.

5. You have a creepy wall of pictures

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Children or victims, you decide.

6. You're super smart

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Moms and serial killers are both known to be highly intelligent. The main difference here is that moms use their powers for good, like figuring out which hypoallergenic, organic, natural kitchen ingredient can be used to clean permanent marker off a beige couch.

7. You're totally comfortable with bodily fluids

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Comes with the territory.

8. You've adjusted to the sound of bloodcurdling screams

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Your kids will wear you down until you just don't notice the wailing anymore.

9. You have terrible social skills

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This may be because you've been holed up in your house with your kids for three years straight, or maybe you're just a run-of-the-mill serial killer who spends most of your time in your basement.

10. You'll follow your kids to the end of the earth

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In a mother, this kind of devotion is called love. In anyone else, it's disturbing.

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