Are you more of a Sears Portrait family, or are you a matching jeans and sweater kind of family?
It’s time. Time for the envelopes to start rolling in, each stuffed with a glossy portrait of a family exuding Christmas cheer, sometimes accompanied by a short piece of pure fiction otherwise known as the Christmas newsletter. These make me nervous and a little sweaty, because I have no idea what to do with them. Do I hang them up? Throw them away? I mean I like your family and everything but not as much as I like mine so what do I need a picture of it for? Also, it serves as a reminder that another year has passed and I still haven’t forced my family to wear reindeer antlers and fake smile for the camera, which feels like a lost opportunity to mess with them.
If you’re thinking of getting a family picture taken, you should know that the kind you choose will say more about you than any small novella you include about how fantastic your life is. Show me a Christmas-themed family portrait and I’ll tell you all about the family in it.
1. The matching outfit studio portrait
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You bought a Groupon and then forgot about it, so now you have to justify the purchase. You regularly send your food back at restaurants, and secretly look up to Kate Gosselin. You have the entire Sex and The City boxed set and listen to John Mayer. This makes you emotional.
2. The outdoor professional family portrait
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You have a friend that thinks they’re a photographer.
3. The Pinterest portrait
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The cashier at Michaels is afraid of you, and you probably have your underwear panties organized by color. You make adorable handmade Christmas gifts for people to regift to their kids’ teachers, and you own an Elf on the Shelf. You also own a backup Elf on the Shelf.
4. The candid portrait
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You harbor a lot of guilt since you don’t regularly take pictures of your children and/or you remembered at the last minute that your phone has a camera function.
5. The ugly sweater portrait
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You are hilarious, according to your college roommate and probably your mom. You like things before they are cool, and you need people to know you don’t care about things like Christmas portraits. You don’t care so much that you started planning this last June.
6. The mall Santa portrait
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You accidentally went to the mall on the day Santa was there, and you’re an amateur, so you let your kid see him. You are afraid of going to a portrait studio and haven’t had a proper night’s sleep for some time now. You live at the train table at Barnes and Noble.
7. The no portrait portrait
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You are lazy and probably throw people’s Christmas portraits away as soon as you get them. You are me.