The Elf on the Shelf is not your sexual plaything

The Elf on the Shelf has become a tried-and-true Christmas tradition, but for many parents, it’s getting old. It may be tempting to pose your child’s Christmas toy boning Barbie for some adult entertainment, but take a moment to collect yourself. Sexy Elf on the Shelf setups are not funny at all.
There’s something about the overly happy little face of The Elf on the Shelf that makes parents want to come at him like a spider monkey. What did The Elf ever do to you? Well, besides being unreasonably in demand by kids everywhere at Christmas, not much — except maybe bringing some holiday cheer.

For years, parents have saturated social media with predictable pictures of The Elf on the Shelf hiding, changing locations and performing his holiday rituals: The Elf on the Shelf swinging from the rafters on a candy cane. The Elf on the Shelf waiting slyly in the silverware drawer. The Elf on the Shelf nestled in a comfy bed inside a tissue box. How sweet.

Maybe parents go crazy at Christmas, or maybe some parents were already crazy to begin with. But more than a few parents have found it hilarious to put The Elf in naughty positions after the kids go to bed and post it to social media: The Elf on the Shelf in a scandalous threesome with two Barbies. The Elf on the Shelf hugging a dildo and a glass of wine (no, I am not making this up). The Elf on the Shelf doing body shots off a doll’s belly.

Parents inundated with adorable holiday nonsense get cabin fever at Christmas, but that doesn’t make this Elf porn any less creepy. The Elf on the Shelf is a kid’s toy. It may get you a few laughs and Facebook likes to post a picture of the innocent Elf motor-boating Barbie, but this elaborate setup is just plain weird.

Because The Elf is a holiday icon, parents can get away with these inappropriate, sexy jokes. Yet most of your friends would probably be offended if you posted a picture of Barbie and Ken getting it on any other day of the year.

I’m not a prude, and if you ask people who know me, I have a great and pretty raunchy sense of humor. I’m not above giving dildos as a gag gift or making jokes about threesomes. But try as I might, I just can’t find these dirty Elf jokes funny. Leave The Elf on the Shelf and find other adult ways to entertain yourself on Christmas Eve.

More on Christmas

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