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Moms learn the hard way that there’s no ‘safe time’ to have sex

Being a parent is so all-consuming, carving out a couple of moments to be intimate with your partner can prove tricky. These women thought they found a few minutes to steal away, but their kids had big surprises in store.

Lunch break booty call gone wrong

“I’m a stay-at-home mom of three kids under the age of 6. My husband works a 9-to-5 job that’s really actually closer to an 8-to-6 job. By the time he gets home, I’m usually brain-dead from toddler drama and he is exhausted from being on the go all day. Our love life was starting to suffer, so we decided to try a new schedule — he takes a late lunch every day around the time I put the kids down for their nap. It doesn’t always work out this way, but we try to at least have some sort of intimacy during that hour.”

“A few weeks ago, we were mid-sex and apparently pretty into it, because we didn’t hear our 5-year-old son get out of bed and walk down the hallway toward our room. Before we realized what was happening, he was standing in the doorway asking what we were doing. I screamed — screamed! — and tried to cover up what was (or had been) happening within the sheets, but it was too late. Our son stared at us with a blank expression for a minute before bursting into tears and running back down the hallway, waking up his little sister in the process. I threw on clothes as quickly as I could and tried to go do damage control. My husband and I awkwardly tried to explain that when mommies and daddies love each other very much, sometimes they like to show how much they love each other by hugging. I have no idea if we handled this right or not, but he seemed to accept what we said for the time being.”

If we don’t move, can they still see us?

“One evening, our kids were in the family room playing with toys and were completely distracted. My husband and I thought it would be a good time to sneak into the bedroom for a few minutes for a quickie. Unfortunately, when my daughter realized we had gotten out of her sight, she came looking for us. We did the only thing that occurred to us in that moment: freeze in the position we were in, as though we had just been wrestling. After a few minutes of us looking like total idiots, our daughter got bored and wandered back into the other room. She’s only 3 and never brought it up again, so we haven’t either.”

And you thought your family holidays were awkward

“I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but here goes. I think people take for granted that women of a certain age still enjoy the same things we did when we were younger. No one wants to hear about their parents having sex, though, so it’s easier for adult children to act as if their parents no longer engage in sexual activity. One Thanksgiving, we invited our entire family to spend the holiday with us. My son, who was in the military and had recently gotten back from a deployment, and his wife flew out from the East coast. Our two oldest daughters, who were living in different parts of the Midwest, flew in as well. Our youngest daughter was a senior in high school at the time and still living at home. Being only a few years apart in age, our youngest daughter and our daughter-in-law were really close. One night, all of the kids decided to go out. My husband and I told the kids we were going to the casino for a few hours.”

“Unbeknownst to us, our youngest daughter and daughter-in-law decided shortly into the evening to come back by the house and grab some things to stay over at a friend’s house. They had gotten ready in our bathroom earlier that night at our large dual vanity, and they wanted to grab their flat irons and makeup bags. Little did they know, my husband and I had decided to stay in. They didn’t realize this because the car was in the closed garage and the house appeared empty. We didn’t hear them coming up the stairs, or opening the door to our room. We only noticed them when they gasped and slammed the door — they had walked in on my husband performing oral sex on me. Needless to say, all involved parties were mortified, and it made for a lot of uncomfortable silence around the dinner table the next night.”

Perhaps parents need a toy box, too

“This doesn’t technically involve sex, but it was sexual activity — and it was definitely mortifying. One night, after our kids went to bed, my husband and I were relaxing in the living room watching a movie. The movie had some steamy sex scenes, and we started to get a little turned on. My husband decided to spice things up by grabbing my Rabbit (vibrating dildo) from the bedroom. We were in the middle of some pretty intense foreplay when our 2-year-old daughter walked into the room. We hadn’t even noticed she’d crawled out of her bed and come down the hallway. In my panic to hide what we were doing, I grabbed the Rabbit and shoved it as far as I could into the cushions of the couch. We straightened up as best we could and put our daughter back to bed, falling asleep ourselves not long after.”

“A few weeks later, one of my best friends dropped by for a little girl talk. I fixed us some sweet tea, sat on the loveseat and she sat down on the couch. I noticed she kept readjusting like she couldn’t get comfortable, but I didn’t think anything of it. Then she said something to the effect of, ‘I think one of the kids has been stuffing toys into the crack of the couch again,’ and it hit me — in our hurry to distract our daughter that night, we had totally forgotten about the vibrator!”

“Before I could react, she had reached back and pulled it out. When she realized what it was, her eyes almost popped out of her head and she threw it across the room. I don’t think she will ever let me live it down. Our daughter might be too young to remember what happened, but I don’t think I ever will.”

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