Small parenting victories drinking game: Toddler edition

We can’t all be the world’s best parents, but there are always days that we can be the world’s OK-est. Why not treat yourself?

When you think about it, parenting is just a series of small victories. When you’re new to the game, or new to a stage, like the toddler stage, it’s easy to feel like everyone is doing everything right but you. Just remember, there’s no such thing as the perfect mom, just an excellent liar.

I’m a firm believer in celebrating the small victories. Who cares if your kid can’t read or refuses to sign anything but “more purple,” whatever the f*** that’s supposed to mean? Did your kid refrain from painting his room with the contents of his diaper? Then you deserve a drink.

If you’re breastfeeding, or still have a low tolerance from being a nine-month-long designated driver, don’t worry. While it’s great to celebrate little triumphs, let’s be honest here — no one’s getting wasted with this one. All you need to participate is a toddler and a cup to put one of these great fall-inspired cocktails into. Remember, no one can judge you if it’s in a Starbucks cup.

Take a sip of your drink if

  • You make it for at least 10 consecutive minutes without a meltdown-induced migraine.
  • You manage to take a shower, poop alone or get pants on (the pants must have a zipper somewhere).
  • Your child eats something green without screaming so loudly that CPS shows up at your door.
  • You manage to get clothes on your child in less than half an hour. They do not have to match.

Take a slug of your drink if

  • You ask your child a question and they do literally anything that isn’t scream “NO, NO, NO” over and over.
  • You make it all the way to the end of Target without either of you melting down.
  • You get halfway through Target and your child does have a meltdown, but no one side-eyes you, sighs exasperatedly or wonders aloud why you can’t get your child under control.
  • Your child says, “No, do it myself!” and then, by some miracle of God, actually does it himself.
  • Your child goes down for a nap without clinging to the door frame, couch, dog’s ears or anything he can grip his little fingers around.

Guzzle your drink if

  • Any of your child’s bodily fluids end up within a linear foot of the training potty.
  • You haven’t uttered the words, “Yes, he is a spirited child, thank you for noticing” even one time all day.
  • No one gets bitten.
  • Nothing catches on fire.

More on parenting toddlers

When your toddler won’t nap
Hilarious reasons your toddler is crying
Adorable toddler Halloween costumes


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