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Your first Thanksgiving as a new mom is going to suck cranberries

My daughter was only a month old at Thanksgiving, which is how I learned that mixing an infant with turkey day is a fresh kind of hell.

I’m not going to lie to you: I expected big things from my first Thanksgiving with a baby. I’ve never been a huge fan of the world’s most boring holiday, but it was going to be different this time. After all, I’d been waiting for the better part of a year for my own little pumpkin (haw) to make an appearance, which is why I assumed that absolutely everything that I did was going to be dusted in magical new mom fairy dust.

If you’ve had a child, you probably see this for the naive fantasy it was and are perhaps having a good chuckle at my expense — and I don’t blame you. If you’re not a mom yet but are expecting a wrinkled little bundle of poo sometime around the holidays, then take heed, there are a lot of reasons that a food baby is the only good baby to have around the holidays.

1. You can’t drink

Even if you’ve decided not to breastfeed, don’t do what I did and dive right into the wine. Your tolerance is even lower than you imagined, so just… don’t.

No drinking |

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2. Hey, how come you never noticed that your relatives sucked so bad?

Because they really, really do. Maybe it’s the hormones or maybe it’s the way Aunt Mags can’t shut up about your uterus and when you’ll be stuffing another baby into it, but you will not come away from this with any great love for the people you were genetically saddled with.

Ruuuude |

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3. When’s the last time you pooped?

Expect your tush-to-toilet time to be greatly drawn out by the addition of all of those delicious crescent rolls and anything with cheese in it.

Can't |

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4. Water. Retention.

Feeling swollen? If you make the mistake of eating basically any of those delicious buttery potatoes or delectable gourd-flavored delicacies you won’t be able to lace your shoes, if you were dumb enough to wear them. Of course this one was a wash for me, because on the one hand, uncomfortable bloating. But on the other hand, “mmmm pie.”

Sweatpants |

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5. Do you mind if everyone watches you breastfeed?

You don’t? Awesome! Now how about your weird, lecher second cousin five times removed who won’t stop calling your breasts moo bags?

Watching yooooou |

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6. No one cares about your new schedule

“Hey, everyone, let’s have loud drunken conversation that begins at the precise moment that the baby goes down for a nap.”

No one cares! |

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7. Your clothes already don’t fit

Those maternity pants you’re still wearing because the world is full of lies and your baby didn’t weigh 30 pounds don’t even come with belt loops, let alone a belt that you can loosen for relief.

Big pant dance |

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8. You can’t drink

Hey did I mention that there’s nothing to dull the unpleasant sensation of being a new mom with an infant on Thanksgiving? Because there isn’t.

No booze for you |

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More on Thanksgiving

The ultimate Thanksgivukkah menu
Thanksgiving craft: Gratitude garland
Kids’ gratitude board for Thanksgiving

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