13 Things your child will bring home from school this year

When your child first starts school, you may be looking forward to some of the stuff she’ll bring home: art projects, books and new friends. Here’s a bunch of stuff you weren’t looking forward to, but will get anyway.

1. Lice

Buck up! Maybe they won’t bring home lice. Maybe it will scabies or pinworms instead. Whatever it is, it’ll be super gross.

2. Explosive diarrhea

The good news is that your kids are totally willing to share whatever gnarly communicable disease they bring home. The bad news is, of course, diarrhea.

3. A couple of really creative swear words

And, yes, he will kiss his mother with that mouth.

4. Every lunch box but the one they own

I don’t know why this happens, but bid adieu to that lunch box you picked out and carefully labeled. You won’t be seeing it for a good long while. Or ever.

5. Some brand new habit you’ll hate

Your child will develop a friend crush on that one kid that whines excessively or armpit farts the national anthem. Trying to steer him away will only make it worse.

6. A rad scar

To be fair, when your child comes home, this will still be a wound. Good luck figuring out where it actually came from.

7. A very labor-intensive homework assignment, due tomorrow

Whoops! Your child forgot to tell you about the shoebox diorama of the Taj Mahal that’s due in the morning. Prepare to feel judged.

8. A permission slip, due yesterday

Guess whose kid is the only kid who won’t be attending the underwater basket-weaving workshop at the children’s museum tomorrow. Hint: yours.

9. Some other child’s prized possession

Or a dozen. For my child this was an obscenely large amount of LEGOs with no explanation attached. Also be prepared for your child’s possessions to go home in someone else’s backpack. Clearly no one told kids that kids are the worst at returning things.

10. An inexplicably empty backpack

Nothing matches the panic you’ll feel midyear when your child comes home with a barren backpack and nothing but a shrug when you ask him whether or not he has homework.

11. Some other child’s snack from last week

You had no idea that your child swapped out a granola bar for a string cheese until the unmistakable funk of rotten mozzarella has already permeated the entire house.

12. A really good excuse for that frown face on her behavior calendar

No matter how darling your little one is, she’ll probably get in trouble at school. Be prepared to hear about how she really needed to contribute an armpit fart version of the national anthem at circle time.

13. An unidentifiable lump ground into the bottom of his backpack

This might be the aforementioned string cheese. Or maybe it’s a dead mouse. Either way it stinks, is black and rotten and appears to be hairy.

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