Just because Burning Man was delayed this year doesn’t mean you can’t start planning next year’s family vacation to Black Rock City. Why take the kids to Walt Disney World or some family place when you can give them a once-in-a-lifetime experience among the loinclothed masses of second year art students who want to barter for some dank herbage with Lucky Charms marshmallows?
Seriously, though. Boring vacations are for lame regular moms, not awesome special snowflakes like you. Here are 8 reasons you need to take your kid to Burning Man.
1. Sex-positive anatomy lessons
With so many naked people walking around Burning Man, you may have to field some questions about bits and junk. Not a problem. Remind them that an orgy is what happens when three men and five women love each other very, very much.
2. Survival skills
What better way to learn some basic orienteering and map skills than by letting your kids wander off into the desert? Make sure they pack a canteen and know which star is the North Star.
3. Barter is smarter
Attending burning man is a great way to teach your kids about the traditional barter system upon which all great economies were built. Encourage them to bring some My Little Pony figurines. They’re sure to be able to convince some off-duty CEO who’s tripping balls to do swapsies for a genuine imported Moroccan hookah.
4. A strengthened immune system
By letting your children climb all over art cars and exposing them to untold amounts of bodily fluids, you’ll be giving them the greatest gift a parent can give — an immune system that will allow them to roll in raw sewage without catching anything. This will come in handy when they return to Burning Man with their own kids one day.
5. Automatic entry into the cool kids’ club
Just imagine the look on your child’s classmate’s faces one day when they’re all at RISD and your kid gets to say, “Oh, you want to go to Burning Man? I went when I was 9. It’s sooo overrated.”
6. It’s educational
Your kid can learn the metric system the way all red-blooded American kids do — by calculating the street value of the 20 grams of synthetic cocaine they found in the port-a-john.
7. Extreme sleep training
If your children are still babies, the best way to get them sleep trained is to stick them in a tent and let the soothing sound of extremely loud and poorly mixed EDM blast them to sleep.
8. Because why not?
If you can take your kids to fancy restaurants, bars and the VMAs, why not haul them along to Burning Man, too? On the plus side, at least no one will get all up in arms at the overwhelming smell of human waste when you have to change your kid’s diaper.