I used to love random patriotic holidays, and then I had kids. This isn’t a sad diatribe about being a parent. I actually love spending time with my kids and creating new memories, but it’s hard to ignore the fact that holidays are a little different when you have young children.
Perfect example — I will not be spending this Labor Day drinking too much, eating too much and laying out in the sun. I will probably spend the holiday breaking up fights between my toddlers and praying that they don’t get heatstroke if we spend more than 20 minutes in direct sunlight.
But I have learned a valuable lesson in my three years of having babies and now toddlers. Roll with the punches, come up with a few asinine activities and your children will think you’re a hero. You heard it here first. Labor Day can still be a good time if you adjust your expectations and think of creative ways to entertain your kids:
1. Take a nap
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And then when you’re done, take another one.
2. Turn on the hose
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That’s really all you need to do.
3. Set up a kiddie pool
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Use the cool pool water to float your beer, while pretending it’s “all for the kids.”
4. Hand out Popsicles
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Wait until they melt — and then give them more.
5. Walk around the block
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If your kids are really young, this could take all afternoon.
6. Sing a song about America
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This could also take all afternoon.
7. Wave flags
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Kids love this shit.
8. Go on a day trip
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Try your best to be festive and have fun. In reality, prepare for lots and lots of crying in the car.
9. Dye their baby formula blue
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KIDDING. This is festive but probably unsafe. Please find other ways to celebrate.
10. Eat patriotic Jell-O
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Red, white, and blue Jell-O will be the literal highlight of your toddler’s week.
11. Paint your nails red, white and blue
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I’m going to be honest — this really has nothing to do with children.
12. Put them to bed early
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It’s a holiday, and they can’t tell time. It’s the perfect crime.