A lot of us moms are hopelessly addicted to the time-suck that is known as Pinterest. If your baby knew how to use a computer, they would probably become addicted too. Good thing babies are pretty dumb and they don’t know how to use Pinterest.
You may think that a baby would pin images of beautifully art-directed nurseries and delicious looking organic baby food that was carefully pureed by mom and dad, but I’m pretty sure that a baby would just pin the Universal Favorite Baby Things Of All Time™ which consist of anything dirty, dangerous, or items they aren’t allowed to have. Why would a crawling baby want a beechwood teething ring finished in organic beeswax when they can have some creepy dust bunny they found in the corner of your living room? Why would they want a bowl of mashed bananas when they can have a hunk of mom hair? Babies know what they like, and what they hate, and they are all too happy to make their opinions very clear, even if they can’t talk yet. Here’s what your baby would be pinning on Pinterest.
Your car keys
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Your baby knows the difference between your pokey metal car keys, and the dumb plastic toy ones you try to appease them with. The metal ones are way better, especially for poking themselves in the eye with.
The dog food and water bowl
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You may freak out when you find your crawling baby shoving a fistful of kibble in their mouth or splashing in the dog food bowl, but these items are equivalent to the baby lottery jackpot.
The cardboard box a very expensive toy came in
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Universal truth of babies: the box is always better than the actual toy.
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This is the most delicious ever.
The cat’s tail
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Almost as delicious as your hair, the cat or dog’s tail is the next best snack for babies.
A crib mobile
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Babies have a very conflictive relationship with the crib mobile. They love it at first, but soon it begins to signify the very worst thing ever, which is bedtime.
An un-childproofed outlet cover
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Here is another baby bonanza, usually discovered when staying at a hotel or visiting a childfree friend. If there is an outlet without a safety cap on it in the vicinity, your baby will find it.
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Sometimes people on Pinterest post images they hate or of things that greatly offend them. Your baby would be no different.
Your cell phone
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This is all your baby wants in the entire world. Forget your breast milk or your warm bottle of formula, forget cuddles, forget being rocked to sleep or even Peek-A-Boo. Your baby would basically sell YOUR soul for ten minutes with your cell phone.
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You may think your baby will love a playpen. You may think your baby will play quietly for five minutes in one when you try and grab a quick shower or do something else amazingly selfish and unkind, like urinate alone. You are wrong.
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People pin photos of celebrities all the time. Your baby is no different, except they have no clue who the spawn of Kanye West is.
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Also known to babies as THE BEST PLACE EVER. (until they are potty training)