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No, I’m not pregnant, so stop asking

Whether you’ve just had your baby or are simply packing a few extra pounds, there’s nothing like someone asking, “Are you pregnant?” when you’re not to make you want to run and cry. But, instead of letting ignorant people get under your skin, try one of these snappy comebacks to let them know just what you think of their comment.

Feeling disheartened

“I gave birth to my son in February of this year. And, yes, I’m still chunky, but… I headed to the mall and saw a friend who I hadn’t seen in a while,” shares Dana J. of Sugar Land, Texas. “She inquired about my other kids and looked at me and said, ‘When is this one due?’ I smiled and replied, ‘In February… four months ago!’ She couldn’t speak, couldn’t apologize, and just walked away. I was killing myself laughing to keep from crying.” Sadly, this happens more often than you think, which begs the question: Why is it acceptable for people, even strangers, to comment on any less-than-washboard stomach or perceived change in the female figure? It’s time for people to get a clue or mind their own business.

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Serve a slice of humble pie

Although many women have admitted blaming themselves for someone else making this mistake about them, it’s society, not these women, who need to make a change. Sure, you could keep your lips zipped — but these snarky remarks will make you feel oh-so-much-better than biting your tongue. When someone asks, “Are you pregnant?” or inquires, “When are you due?” smile and respond with:

  • Yes I am. Where’s the liquor aisle?
  • No, I’m just constipated and I’m here at the store to get laxatives.
  • Yes, but I’m not sure who the father is.
  • “I just smile and say ‘No, I’m just still fat,'” reveals Susan von Seggern. “If it’s a friend I might add that their comment is helping me stay on my diet!”
  • Yes, but my husband doesn’t know it’s not mine.
  • “I’ve been so caught off-guard every single time this has happened that I’ve never had anything really great to say in response,” explains Toni Sicola of Cultivated Wellbeing, “but I always come up with something great after the fact, like: ‘No, but I’ll let you know when I am so you don’t ever have to ask me that again’ and ‘I was just about to ask you that same question!'”
  • No, I just get really gassy after I eat Mexican food. You may want to crack a window.
  • “I’m not pregnant, but if I were I would love to be pregnant with a cobra so when I gave birth it could bite your tongue!” says Elaine Gloria of Long Beach, California.
  • I’m not pregnant, but my husband doesn’t know I’m having a love affair with chocolate so let’s keep it on the down low.
  • “‘I didn’t realize you thought I was that young,’ was my response to that horrific statement,” recounts Jill Lewis of

Real moms share: Good parenting advice you didn’t ask for >> 

Although I’m not pregnant, but thanks for asking, these snarky remarks are sure to stop strangers from ever making that mistake with another woman once they’ve crossed my path. And, for all those people out there willing to ask “are you pregnant” of women who have just had a C-section or “when are you due?” to a stranger who’s a little gassy and bloated, here’s a little tip: it’s rude to ask a woman about a pregnancy unless she brings it up — ever.

Read more tips on how to handle unwanted comments

Worst things to say to a mom
How to respond to unsolicited parenting advice
When families fail parents of children with special needs

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