Crappy Pictures’ Amber Dusick shares seven reasons why bathrobes are superior to yoga pants.
t You know how a lot of moms wear yoga pants but don’t actually do yoga? Yoga pants are comfy and easy to put on when you are tired. Plus, they aren’t technically pajamas. This makes them an ideal candidate for the mom uniform. However, sometimes even yoga pants require too much effort. I mean, there are two leg openings, and you have to put one leg in at a time and balance, or you have to sit on the edge of the bed. This is strenuous activity.
tWhen you have no patience for yoga pants, there is another option: a bathrobe. You might think a bathrobe is a humble and unnecessary accessory, but you’d be wrong. Every mother needs one — and not some silky, sexy stupid one either. Throw those away. I mean a real bathrobe: a thick, absorbent terry cloth–style one. It truly has majestic properties.
t Here are seven reasons why a bathrobe is cooler than yoga pants:
tIt saves time
t It’s quicker to put on than yoga pants. Anything that saves time is automatically better.
tIt’s got pot holders
t If yours fits you properly (by properly, I mean very loosely), you have enough fabric there to use the sleeves as pot holders. That’s great for holding a hot cup of coffee or taking a boiling tea kettle off the stove.
tIt’s a walking towel
t If something spills, just sit on it. Moms are walking towels anyway. Spills, food, sticky hands, vomit and boogers all get wiped on you. You might as well be wearing the proper attire for the job.
t Since it lacks separate leg compartments, the bottom of it is flowy — like a dress. You are almost wearing a dress. This makes you feel fancy.
tIt’s got a hood
t Your robe must have a hood. Hoods are awesome. The right hood will instantly turn you into a Jedi, or Little Red Riding Hood or some other totally cool character like a witch or another scary thing that you can use to your parenting advantage. Plus, there’s the warmth factor. A hood keeps your head warm when your hair is wet, or it keeps your hair hidden when it looks like crap. A raised hood can also be a signal to the rest of the family to stay away.
tIt’s a blanket
t A robe is really just a blanket with holes for your arms and a tie to keep it snug. It is warm and cozy, and you can wear it while watching TV. Sure, you can do that with a blanket, too, but you can also wear a robe while you are standing in the kitchen making popcorn. Can you do that with a blanket? No, it starts to fall off, so you have to drape it over your shoulders — and then your ankles get cold. Blankets suck. Robes win!
tIt’s a people shield
t If you answer the door wearing a robe, people will leave very fast. They can tell just by looking at you that you are in no mood to be bothered — especially if you remember to put your hood up. This is also true for running errands. It takes a bit of guts, but if you can run to the market while wearing a robe, absolutely nobody will try to talk to you. They’ll think you are either crazy or deathly ill, so they’ll steer clear. Plus, you’ll get Big Lebowski points.
t I hope this has helped you prepare for those days when yoga pants require too much effort. We all have those days — and when we do, there is a robe waiting to help out.
t Amber Dusick is the author of the best-selling humor book Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures. She writes and illustrates the blog Crappy Pictures, where she captures the hilarious and frustrating things that happen in marriage and parenting. Find her on Twitter and Facebook.